29/07/07
my angel in disguise!
i got on the bus to go home this evening, only to find out that a) my ezlink ran out of cash AND b) i had exchanged all my coins with girl i met in school. so i approached this malay lady and her grand daughter sitting closest to the bus driver for some change. there was much searching between the two of them, lady had to dig out small bag of coins from her purse, then count count count before YES, enough change for 2 bucks.
the point is, no one would ever bother, but they did. thanks for making my day :) suddenly it didnt feel that cold anymore.

i'd really hate to admit it [grrrr] but yeees. i soooort of miss hanging out with you. especially so when i curl my toes in frustration while studying [which is getting more often] and remember how it felt to have sand between them.

no, things dont feel right for the moment. it still feels as if something huge has been snatched away from me and here i am left to face the gaping hole. stitch it up or patch it with other scraps of activity?
just saw this random photo of joo that man took after a water training. we were waiting for the bus and joo was sticking her beautiful head out of the bus stop. i miss us, really do. it just feels lonely sometimes, with each of us moving on, going away to separate places to do separate things and thinking separate thoughts.

weather's been rather dreary lately.


|jav| 7:46 PM|

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21/07/07
I couldnt stop the tears then, the way it hit me so hard where it's vulnerable and weak. I miss You so much. The past weeks since after Nationals have been such a dream, the detachment of it all. Results that I had accepted, long before they were announced. But the very thought of never ever holding a paddle and training and rowing as a team hadn't sunk in. So I moved about numbed and empty, with wispy memories of rowing in early hours of the day on saturday mornings. It would come suddenly, the image of the pontoon looking so elusive and dream-like from 1K mark in the mornings, a mere blur in the mist and faint orange light.

Isnt it amazing how things can go according to our plans, but not Yours. And how things can go all terribly wrong in ours, but in perfect accordance with Yours?

Looking back, I have no regrets. Because after seeing things again when they're gone, I had rowed with You. My k2 had been a k3 with You constantly with us, holding our hands and guiding them through the water. You had been the wind whispering in our ears, the beautiful calm water in the mornings. You had been my focus in the raging water. You had been my rain. You had been that incredible joy and satisfaction. And when rowing ended, I just miss You with a gnawing ache deep inside.

Dont you see? Knowing God exists, and that His love never fails nor abandons us has never been sufficient. Knowing never is, because it does not satisfy the need to feel His presence.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. -James 1:17

So I'll dry those tears, and wait in excitement for the wonderful gifts that He would give me to accomplish His will. Canoeing may end for now, with it the heartfelt joy of flying across water. But my Heavenly Father never changes- I can't wait to feel the joy of doing math. [Hallelujah!!!] :)

Dear God, I'm sorry I've been away for a while, gone off to a miserable corner missing the bits of You that I had experienced so closely for the past 1.5 years. Thank You for being with me then, always and always and never letting me go. But it's time to move on, to go on living the worthy life that You have lovingly planned out for me. Cos I know as long as I make You the center of my universe, block out all the distractions, joy remains.


|jav| 4:56 AM|

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