27/03/07
im still lying in bed with my frogs.

at best, it could only be projected fears and worries, my personal fears and worries onto her illness. someone i know got very sick, and it reminds me of what had happened a long time ago, to someone else. the pain, trauma and suffering. but what do i really know?

anger. at a certain someone else who's willing to allow another to mess up her life, to rob her of her integrity and self-respect. can't you see how precious you are? how precious you are despite all your flaws and insecurities? how very precious you are because of your hope, that shiny glimmer that could have guided you out of the dark place you found yourself, if only you had given yourself more time and patience?

she isn't dancing anymore.


|jav| 9:20 PM|

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19/03/07
'i love you.'

my classmate Solomon once said that we are too arrogant in even asssuming we know what love is. there was silence in the class then, the heavy weight of the truth sat uncomfortably on our shoulders and slowly sunk in. did it really? sink into complete oblivion, into the depth of murky incomprehension? or did our lazy brains take it for granted that we've processed it, and that we've become that tad much wiser by humbling ourselves?

Jan told me once that she hates it when people say, 'love you.' the 'i' in front of it makes all the difference, dont you see? 'i' is the willingness to take responsibility for the love i have for you. 'i' makes the love undeniable, complete and accounted for.


|jav| 6:44 PM|

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16/03/07
SHAWNA WROTE A SONG FOR ME!

in the deep of the night
with all my might
i still can't sleep
after counting many sheep

you drift into my mind
at this moment in time
your smile and crankiness
beloved company and the happiness

javine javine i love you
oh yes i really do
for all we've been through
through the obstacles we flew

just for being you
i love you for that too
we'll get there together
just hold on, keep the faith, sister

gosh thanks dear im genuinely touched. thanks for listening to my random bursts of songs and screams of exasperation and for your company through complex numbers and vectors. for being a great support all these years, for roughing it out, for conquering every difficulty and then smiling triumphantly together. THANKS BABE!

this week has somewhat been a rollercoaster ride [wow and look today's only friday] and i'll be the first to admit that i'm coming out of it rather crumpled and torn at the corners. i guess ive grown a tad much older; having been exposed in its full dreadfulness the ugliness of the world, the stark imperfections. the disillusion gnawed and ate at me. had to grapple with some facts and the truth is, it'd be a long time before i can even begin to comprehend. there was guilt, where was i when it happened, disgust, disappointment and sinking helplessness.

just as i thought i had it figured out, that there wasnt any pure love and beauty left in this stained and fallen world, some people proved me wrong. thanks manda and shawn, i really appreciate the gesture. most importantly, it reminded me to hope. guess i'll be giving more hugs from now on. :))

there was this point yet again when i raged against my stupid ankle; i had to sprain it again while walking. [TELL ME WHICH -OTHER- DOOFUS IS ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF THAT. TELL ME.] literally sat on the ground and bawled. it wasnt the pain per se, since i ought to be familiar with the pain by now [and the sound(s) :X], what hurt was the very thought of not being able to move about properly- my idea of hell is being locked in your own body. well and i suppose it was the last straw to whatever that was threatening to bubble and spill over. glad that team mates were around then, thanks people.

You see me in the light of all my inadequacies, all my silly idiosyncrasies, weaknesses and flaws but yet You promised to love me the same, unconditionally. Father i just pray for the lightness that You had filled me before, and allow me wings to fly straight into Your arms. Lord, it's so difficult sometimes to hear Your voice of comfort in the midst of jarring noise and confusion, i pray that You'll keep us still and silent , and bow down before Your greatness. Amen.


|jav| 6:48 PM|

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09/03/07
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

jan and i made our little escapade to the theatre and swooned for 2hrs at hugh grant incredibly sexy and endearing face while gushing over his brit accent. XDD

i hope to age gracefully.
thanks jan!it was a badly needed break from the tired tired week.

would somebody please write me a song too?


|jav| 11:39 PM|

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02/03/07
"It was to explain the feeling they had of dissatisfaction; not knowing people; not being known. For how could they know each other? You met every day; then not for six months, or years. It was unsatisfactory, they agreed, how little one know people. But she said, sitting in the bus going up Shaftesbury Avenue, she felt herself everywhere; not 'here, here, here; and she tapped the back of the seat; but everywhere. She waved her hand, going up Shaftesbury Avenue. She was all that. So that to know her, or any one, one must seek out the people who completed them; even the places. Odd affinities she had with people she had never spoken to, some woman in the street, some man behind a counter- even trees, or barns." *

we're walking wisps of our individual experiences. stolen tatters from the people we love. a haphazard archieve of ghostly glances from strangers who have crossed our paths. echoes of words that were said, shouted, droned and whispered into our ears. shreds of dreams, whiffs of silent thoughts, senseless myriad of sensory information; the caress of wind on face, warmth of sunlight touching skin, phantom of a scent of a distant person....
words become superfluous and clumsy. this is where language fails. where phrases and sentences cling like pretenses.

"There was a mystery about it. You were given a sharp, acute, uncomfortable grain- the actual meeting; horribly painful as often as not; yet in absence, in the most unlikely places, it would flower out, open, shed its scent, let you touch, taste, look about you, get the whole feel of it and understanding, after years of lying lost. Thus she had come to him; on board ship; in the Himalayas; suggested by the oddest things." *

once while i was queueing up for my food, this particular image of Laos assaulted my senses for a moment. even for that moment, i felt the naturalness of the three of us seeking shade with some Laotian girls under the table we were repairing. joo was placing pebbles on the grass in the shape of railways and trains and asked for the Laotian translation. we tried telling them the location of Singapore, and that we're an island; a concept foreign to them since Laos is landlocked. i remembered the impossibly cloudless blue sky, felt the scorching sun on the back of my legs. everything was so vivid then, so alive with light and colours. blinked and shattered it, only to find myself back in school canteen.

*Virginia Woolf Mrs Dalloway



|jav| 11:28 PM|

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