29/10/06
i relish in experiences that allow me to feel the full bearing of being alive, of being very consciously aware of my being alive and living. that's the reason why i love to run; im stripped of who i hope i am, of lethargy and apathy. it's back to the basics baby, every step, every breath and every single heartbeat. the point where you stop thinking and let your body ease into all that is familiar and intrinsically known.

every run is an incredibly long conversation with God, i hear myself talk to Him though i dont/cant hear Him reply all the time.
knowing He's near is perfect enough.

today i learnt how it is to want something badly enough. push to cut a shorter faster timing. push to not lag behind too much, to be the first to get past those huge pink buoys. to the point of sheer desperation, to yelling. thank you hannah banana :)

ya know, there were 3 of us in the boat today. you, me and Him.



|jav| 1:30 AM|

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14/10/06
Searching my heart for its true sorrow,
This is the thing I find it to be:
That I am weary of words and people,
Sick of the city, wanting the sea;

another new day, fatigue spilled over from yesterday.
we saw hundreds of folded cranes frozen in mid-flight;
i wanted to tell you how beautiful it was, and how it made my heart leapt, however momentarily, with joy
but i was muted, unspoken disjointed sentences swirling threatening to dribble over
to form a puddle that i wont have right words for to explain.


|jav| 8:47 AM|

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10/10/06
sherlyn just whined for me [or rather the ex-ncc canoeists] to see more of the rest today. ann was standing next to her and promptly said, 'how about classmates?'

without really realizing it, i've led my life surrounded by close friends, within a pretty tight circle of people whom i truly appreciate and love. im thoroughly glad for them, really, and especially grateful for platoonmates whom have tolerated my ugly childish tantrums in the past and have seen me grow through the years. [or so they claim about the growth bit ;)]

i wish there's more of me to spend time with these beautiful people.

suddenly very exhausted by the prospect of the busy weeks to come. a little part of me screams to be left alone, for once. to run to a place where there isnt any faces. to curl up with a good book, coffee and silence. till it happens i'll just hang onto Him very tightly and pray He'll do the same.

fly away from here
anywhere
yeah, I don't care
we'll just fly away from here
our hopes and dreams
are out there somewhere
won't let time pass us by
we'll just fly


|jav| 11:42 PM|

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08/10/06
ky's song suddenly made me feel very alone and lonely despite being in a room filled with 60+ people. it left me cold and aching for something familiar; a hole. or maybe not, a hole would have to be something that has collasped and broken wouldnt it. well, a gap then, that was never filled.

'dont you get the feeling that sometimes..'
-room laughs
'that well, people think you're a little messed up, a little screwed up...'
-starts singing

i realize i dont know anything about him at all. or anyone, for that matter.
and it made me very very lonely.

we present layers of ourselves, we give bits and pieces of ourselves away to every single person we meet during this course of life. but no one other person truly understands, experiences and savours the world the way each of us would.

"because no relation of a dream can convey the dream sensation"

dont you see? the nuance i experience of the world that set me apart from you creates this gaping hole between us. we would have to shout over this ugly gash but our words would be lost, gradually slipping into the abyss of miscommunication. the other is left peering over the side of the hole, trying to make meaning, make sense out of those broken words.

stolen glances.
i guess at some level, we connected in the way i havent with anyone.
but you arent forever. not mine, at least.





|jav| 4:16 AM|

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