31/07/06
updates

phew. what an awful week, im so glad all that is over now. im ashamed for behaving so badly, for almost allowing my fears overwhelmed me, for looking so stressed out when hey hey everyone else is as stressed but are still managing to keep it all under control.
many thanks to you all who have somehow or another kept me sane, or for unknowingly allowed me to vent by being crazy and hysterical with me.

i miss training, all the sweating, random outbursts of strangest of songs between sets and cheering. i miss hanging out with you guys.

what a perfect ending to all that highstrung nonsense on fri. thanks amanda for bringing jo and i to church. sometimes i need reminders that i'm not alone in all this, that God will always be with me. and then friends who remind me of these reminders. haha yes, thank God for you too.


|jav| 1:03 AM|

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22/07/06
i was just this tiny bit close to snapping point.
all this mind rotting banter is getting on my nerves. im disgusted. social expectations; the time to laugh, to talk abt all sorts of silly shallow crap and the time to find something extraordinarily witty and mindblowingly intelligent to say. it's draining. people dont talk about things that matter to them anymore. the realization hits that maybe the whole lot of other things that matter build on things that dont.

i dont like the person im becoming, in front of all of you. dont you get it? i feel like a smiling grinning idiot, hell a bloody mannequin if you like, and the worst part is that i have no control. or losing control over what i am.

just walk away, javine.

nostalgia. i dont know what prompt that memory but quite out of the blue, i thought about block e back in rg. the art room area where it's super quiet after sch. just that scene with me walking out from the toilet to.. i dont know. ncc room?

i really miss the environment back there.
you could be anything you like, behave the way that suits you best at any situation. you could be surrounded by your tight circle of friends in your little world and not care about the rest of people if you choose to. you could spend time with people. you had orchard at the backyard of the school. embarrassement wasnt that painful. there wasnt such a thing called 'glamour'. you hugged, you cried and best of all, you didnt have to hide and wither away alone in a dark corner. you laughed, pure honest laughter out of sheer hilarity and happiness, not tired half-hearted ones.

a classmate once said that people need time alone sometimes. you could be stoning at home, but you still need it. had enough of too many faces, put me in a glass bubble. i need space to breath.

time out.


|jav| 2:00 AM|

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19/07/06
" 'It seems to me that I am trying to tell you a dream- making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams...' "
-HoD

i was just wondering to what extent can our past continue to haunt and hurt us when we did the above extract in lit class. dream-like quality of our past, how past experience can never be fully captured once again in our minds. that reality is all that is happening right now at this moment.

dont we all derive some sort of morbid pleasure from reopening old wounds, to wallow in pain for every past disappointment and fallen dreams? sometimes it's easier that way, cos it takes a great deal of strength to reconcile and accept the ugly bits that had happened, acknowledge the fact that we've grown beyond all that and with courage, move on. on other times these things catch up with us at unexpected times, hit us under the belt [wrestling speak: low blow!] and we buckle over, filled with immense regret and perhaps self-hatred for the wrong choices made.

to my dear friend [you know who you are ;)] i wish happiness and hope for you. arent we all our own destruction and crueliest of judges? forgive yourself, have faith that you've grown beyond all the mistakes you've made in the past. meanwhile, just so you'd remember, i'll be here waiting for you once you've worked your way through the dark place you've found yourself in. i am here! and love you always ((:


|jav| 6:26 PM|

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17/07/06
what is it that i want?
what is it that im searching for?
what is it that im hiding from?


|jav| 1:57 AM|

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16/07/06
the series of events that had happened over the past week had certainly left us drained but contented.

friday marked the end of j2s' canoeing season, as well as the start of our very exciting year ahead. thanks j2s, for being here with us every step of the way, for all the guidance and encouragement. [sarah, i dont think i have sexy knees, really!] you've shown us the way, inspired us with your perseverence and determination, led by example. we've seen you struggled, and then triumphed. the dream lives on in us, and we wont disappoint you.

brace yourself, it wont be easy, but every fibre in my body tells me that it will be a satisfying and meaningful time ahead.

never forget the dreams we've promised each other. i wont promise you i will be spontaneous and strong all the time, but i will promise you that i will be there for you, anytime you need me to. always keep that goal in sight, always look out for each other and never ever give up in the face of obstacles or feel defeated. pick yourself up and fight on. all of us are in this together.
and of course, You. my strength and willpower lies in You and You only.

RAFFLES ROW.
MARK OUR WORDS, WE'RE GOING FOR THE KILL NEXT YEAR.


|jav| 1:35 PM|

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