30/12/05
AHHHHHHHHHHH.

i cannot sit still knowing 06 is beginning in 2 days' time.

come to think of it, i never quite understood the concept of time. it has always seemed ridiculous [sometimes somewhat mystical as well] to me that a mere second has the power, that surely must appear to be disproportionately huge considering it's just a sec, to separate a year from another.


|jav| 6:23 AM|

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17/12/05
went to a play with jan yesterday, 'psychosis 4.48'. the play does not have a plot whatsoever since it circles and centers around a certain state of mind. it's about broken people dreaming about people they've never met, never will meet but still love with absolute conviction. it's about desperation, despair, anguish, misery and pain in such intense depths i hope i shall never experience because i know i won't be strong enough to face all that.

the script was brilliant.

we went for tetarek after that, sitting by the road talking. the topic of faith came out. at that moment i felt tears coming up because i suddenly realize i havent found anything or anyone to believe in.

i like to think im a strong person, a person who is capable, and therefore, reliable in holding herself together, to offer protection and comfort. it offers a certain kind of security for me even, ironically. but from that moment, i realize this image i was building was, well, simply an image. i am just as broken and confused and lost as everyone else.

im upset, because i've been dreaming phantom dreams about an unknown someone whom i might never meet or someone who is taking an excruciatingly long time making his way to me. it's tearing me apart because this person is everything i am not, my epitome of perfection and security and love and comfort and everything else everyone has started out searching since the beginnning of time. this person holds an incredible power over me that is terrifying to me. how is it possible to long for someone whose existence itself is questionable?

we all have spurs of insanity, when the desire to overthrow logic and allow emotions take over becomes too strong and tempting to ignore.

so when do you decide it's time to lose grip?
when was the last time you experienced an emotion so thick and real that it suffocated you?

second law of thermodynamics: 'all things tend to chaos.'


|jav| 4:01 PM|

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10/12/05
things i really really hope i'll someday have the courage to do:

1) go down to a music store and groove to the music. literally dance
2) go dancing up at esplanade roof terrace in pjs [av, we said we'll do this together!]
3) successfully sneak into a R21 movie before 21 [duh.]
4) challenge a guy to an eating contest
5) act in a theatrical play
6) give directions to a chinese tourist in perfect mandarin
7) punch someone hard in the eye
8) sing out loud for a group of people
9) go sun tanning nude [yeah baby..]
10) write a book
11) write a letter to mum and dad telling them how much i love them
12) break something intentionally out of sheer frustration


|jav| 12:12 AM|

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08/12/05
in future when i own my very own house/flat, i will have a comfy corner with huge plush armchairs [the type which you can sink in when you sit on them] and a sleek little coffee table. i will have a friggin expensive coffee machine that makes all the basic essentials and friends over every weekend afternoon to stone and have coffee with. or simply spend a lazy rainy afternoon with a good cuppa and book.


|jav| 6:57 PM|

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