27/10/05
im afraid the putrefaction of my very brain is undergoing at an astonishing speed. [in other words: java is rotting and her grey cells are dying very rapidly]

yes. im understimulated. and no, i dont agree with friends who have to mug for their hmt paper that 'being bored' at this moment is a luxury.

when has being bored and understimulated at any point of time become a luxury?

any more of this and soon you'll find a gibbering, bleary-eyed, drooling moron incapable of forming a complete sentence. just you wait and see.

*SCREAMS*


|jav| 3:59 AM|

+++

25/10/05
have you ever stare at a star long and hard enough that it eventually fades and disappears?

i figured [albeit in the shower] the same applies for the people around you. these people orbit around you in your life, and as time passes, you get used to their presence, their whizzing around you that it becomes a blur. come one day when you lose this person, you then realize his/her importance by the space left behind.

sad, isnt it?


|jav| 10:16 AM|

+++

23/10/05
i have a confession.

that day, when i didnt turn up for netball carn, it's beacause. because i had a terrible headache and. something else.

i might have willed the headache.

matriculation; so many faces, so many decisions, so many thoughts racing through my head. needed air, space away from people. so i left.

there, javine is a scared little girl.

have been waking up to uncomfortable and unsettling feelings. left-overs from nightmares of rj. i dont want to leave this place, for somewhere strange and painfully identical.

'the thought of leaving rgs, and then going somewhere with the same type of raffles environment makes me want to burst out in tears.'

someone else agreed. she felt the same way. are there more out there?

unjustified fears and helplessness. or are they?


|jav| 4:33 PM|

+++

09/10/05
a friend once told me that he wish he had a sister like me.
i told him that i make a better friend than a sister.

have been thinking about it ever since. everytime i hear pltmates tell me the stuff they do with their parents, how much they miss them coming back from expeditions, how much they appreciate and love them, i feel a pang. i feel numbness. i feel jealous and hurt because i cant remember when was the last time we sat down and eat, or the last time we went out together. keep telling myself that it doesnt matter but how can i explain the tears running down my face?

it's so easy to say that we're all busy with our lives, our troubles that we fail to appreciate each other. it's so easy to put the blame on your family for not showing enough concern, for being insensative and self-centered, for not caring. it's so easy to wish that you have different parents, pple who think like you, who understand what you want, who you are, who love you exactly the way you want them to, to shower their love and concern generously and openly.

on the other hand, is the fault all yours? could it be that you tried, and gave up cos the rift between is too wide, too deep, too full of hurt that it can never be repaired?

we expect adults, the people we are told to respect, to live up to their expectations. we expect them to be brave, to be strong, be in control, and exemplify all the values that they preach. so when they dont, when you see the ugly selfish, weak and lack of control self side, it shocks you, and then you tell yourself you will be better than this when you grow up. ive completely lose faith in my parents in that sense and all the bull about respect and other shit.

it's ironic how im less judgemental with friends than with my family. i know ive failed at being a sister and a daughter but somehow i dont want to learn anymore. im tired of getting hurt and feeling slapped across the face with each nonchalant reply, each misunderstanding and each hurtful remark. it takes very little to give up, since each time you decide to try again, you go in unreserved and hopeful.

how simple it is to shrug it all off, to smile bravely saying that all this doesnt matter. to become that kite with a broken line.


|jav| 11:15 AM|

+++

05/10/05
have you ever felt hatred for yourself so deep, a loathe so bitter that at the end, all you felt was helplessness and desperation? because you knew you are who you are, and it is a fact you can never run away from. you didnt turn out the way you had hoped you would, and it hurt bad. it was like a huge reality check then, but you wanted everything to go away, for you to slip away and continue running.

i learnt something very important yesterday. i learnt the reason why i tend to get over unpleasant things so much quicker than other people around me is because i run. i dont think abt it, stuff it at the back of my head, flush it down to the deepest, darkest recesses of my memory and leave it there.

it's getting harder and harder to live. to fufill all that one is expected to do, without compromising happiness. ya, i mean, you have all the bullshit about finding-happiness-in-whatever-you-do crap. but when it gets down to it, when your energy level is low, your apathy level is high, when you simply had one too many kick in the face from failing, how long and far are you going to go with just that conviction?

i wish im a better person. who doesnt? it's a wish held in the hearts of every mere mortal here on earth, to be a better person the next day, to be one baby step closer to where he/she wants to go.

we go around carrying a baggage, a guilt and regret for every wasted moment not spend on moving towards that ultimate dream. guilt for not studying hard enough, working hard enough to earn that point. [hello hello. news flash: this is rgs.] guilt for not spending enough time with your loved ones, for not giving enough love and concern and time. guilt, stranger still, for not being special and unique enough. for not working to be unique and special. for not being the best. for not being focused and motivated and inspiring and bright and smart and intelligent and brilliant....

a million other roads that start with 'should'.

im tired. really.

if someone tells you you can begin all over again when you are willing to let go, he's lying.
the slate will forever be smudged and scribbled on.


|jav| 10:00 PM|

+++