26/08/05
break time!

these past few weeks had been crazy, going all the way back before we ord-ed, the tension and misunderstanding we had between part cs, to right now, when all the stress and self-doubt is surfacing with the last and final exams we're ever going to take in rgs.

at this moment, it's hardly possible to write about the perfect ord dinner part cs had prepared for us [with all the lit themes and chem formulas repeating themselves in my head]so i wont attempt to. anyhow, these words are long due:

thanks part cs for all you had done for the parade and dinner. we really appreciate the effort that you had put in, what with all the nonsense from chng/stress of preparing a parade/busy work schedules. we do have faith in you to continue the legacy of rgsncc, to lead the company with confidence and firm ideals/beliefs that no one can ever take it away from you. good luck, stay healthy and seek comfort from each other to endure through all the mental challenges ahead as ncos and leaders of the company.
ps: to the part c [is it part c yuhui?] whose new apartment we were in, hope your neightbours havent blacklisted your family (:

to my special part as: what more can i say? you've been a special part to the four of us and it had been satisfying seeing all of you grow together and stronger as one. from clueless sec1s, going through the tough bmt and enduring part a camp with a whole lot of physically and mental challenges and obstacles thrown in between, all of you have emerged more bonded, and stronger in many ways than before. thank you for giving us wonderful bitter-sweet memories, and for making our last year in rgsncc a fruitful and meaningful one. thank you for all your endearing traits, quirky poems and songs. hope you all will continue to learn from the many experiences that are yet to come, and find strength and comfort from each other when things dont turn out the way you want it to be.

'in my dreams i'll always see you soar above the skies/in my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life/i'll keep a part of you with me, and everywhere i went there you'll be..'

back to the topic of exams. *doom looms.*
besides saying rather repeatively 'i cant wait for it to be over', there really isnt anything else to it. it doesnt help when you hear happy shrieks from e-block while doing your paper. or knowing for a fact that every sec4 has reduced into this tight balled up mass of stress while the rest of the sch is less panicky- for now.

moreover, my impulse to simply drop whatever im studying and go for a long jog [actually, i've been thinking, i'd fly away if i could.] has been getting stronger. my moment of peace and escapade, away from work and ...stress.

im hearing the call of work from my desk. and this nagging bit of my brain screaming for me to resume. as much as i'd like to continue describing my newfound natural tendencies to start stressing out when im away from books/notes for more than an hour, i should go now.

ciao.


|jav| 8:29 PM|

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02/08/05
words can be lethal. but mostly, they have the capacity to hurt, stab, wound and then, until recently, kill.

so many things have gone terribly wrong lately. is it the accumulation of past mistakes erupting just as we are about to leave, or have we been lucky to only encounter problems merely two weeks before we leave for good?

i'll just be blatant. if anything, after all that has been said and done, oh boy, do i have the prerogative to be outright blatant.

"you dont know anything, do you? you cannot see beyond what you are going through and to take a good look at what your ncos have been doing for you. what they are trying so hard to accomplish, despite some of the problems they face among themselves. we expect so much from you, because ultimately, that's what we want for the company. please undertstand that there is this urgency, because you are the ones taking over next year. you are going to be the ones who are setting examples, leading the rest of the company. so we want the best out of you, is that too much to ask? did you even consider the repercussions of all the things that you said and did? did you even have that basic consideration, for anyone, if not even more for your ncos? apparently not. are you being fair and resonable to your ncos when you felt all this anger at them, but not clearing it with them in the first place? by letting the entire world know before they discover for themselves?

despite all the disappointment and hurt they feel, i know they still love you. and how much they want all this to be over, for all this misunderstanding to clear up. how afraid they are to get hurt all over again if it never works out the second time round."

"to you, all words are lost. i cannot even begin to describe the anger and disappointment i felt after knowing what i know. after what you said. you were suppose to be on our side, supporting us. you were suppose to find out what is happening, understanding our side of the story before coming to an objective verdict. but you didnt. and what a harsh and biased one you came up with. i want to tell myself that you no longer matter, but you do. somehow you will always do. despite how much you still mean to me, i cannot condone what you've done, the major character flaw you revealed. it's so easy to point fingers at someone isnt it? it's so easy to distinguish between the good ones and the baddies. but extremes doesnt prevail in this world. you forgot the grey areas. i know we arent entirely right, but you had your mind made up before that already, hadnt you? by saying what you said, did you know that you are giving us other problems above the major existing one? you took away our authority and let them firmly think they are correct and we are the ones who are in the wrong even before we could figure out a way to salvage this situation. is that what you want? despite the grievous wrong you think we did, is that what we still deserve?

thank you so much, you really did a great job."

all that we really want is to see the company the way it was before. the standard and toughness, all of it. the company that was described to us by our part as ncos. to us, that was what ncc really is. but now, im sad to say we're rather disillusioned. maybe we've been too imposing on the rest of the company, by shoving our ideals and aspirations down their throats. but this is the only way we know how to do it. and because we've been looking at how the company is becoming, that we're truly awoken. truly able to see things clearly. so we set out trying to make major changes.

[we simply decided not to be so sluggish, so pathetic and to stand firmly on what we believe in. and for that, you 'hope(d) we wake up soon'. what an absolute irony.]

looking back, i have no regrets. really. at least we can take with us the conviction that we've put in our everything into something we love and are so committed to. it just didnt work out. it's nobody's fault; it's just the way things are now.


|jav| 1:41 PM|

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