30/06/05
one of those moments when you're caught offguard and left standing at the shoulder of the road called life.

dont mean to sound poetic or anything crap like that. but that's exactly how i feel now.

i suppose to pure mystery of the future lies in not knowing who you are going to meet, what kind of places you are going and what kind of things that you will be doing.

but im scared. im paranoid abt all the stupid decisions that i might be making that might further lead to the completion of project screw-java's-life.

even more so, im scared shitless about not knowing what's there. the big and shapeless future. all the what ifs. anxious abt living the kind of life that i want but afraid that reality would fall short of my expectations.

lets face it. im the type who thinks goals and ambitions are overrated. [*gasps* "how could you?!?" "yes i can."] frankly, i dont mind living in a rubbish dump [metaphorically. anyhow my prediction is that my living quarters would definitely seem like a dump compared to all my current sch mates' future hses/mansions/penthouses]as long as im happy. and it doesnt take a lot for me to be happy. but seeing that i havent quite thrown in all my responsibilities as a daughter, this would be somewhat of a problem.

murder my parents? maybe. [eh come to think of that, it's quite appealing.]
marry someone rich and handsome and be a tai tai? hopefully. [then i can use his $ to feed my parents, go travelling and hone my golf skills. not a bad idea at all. *)]

ok im running out of ideas.

then again, im convinced that there isnt a tried and tested sucess formula to living a life. i suppose i will wander and chance upon a route that allows me to fulfill my expectations and at the same time my responsibilities. [with all fingers crossed*]
life neednt be a planned and straightforward one. i think i can afford for it to have just the right amt of adventure and surprises.


|jav| 10:30 PM|

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18/06/05
back from yet another ndp prac.feeling completely stoned now so i'll just type rubbish here.

we had our very first full parade rehearsal today -full 53 min one including all songs to be sung by choir. [the speaker pronounced 'choir' differently. not wrong entriely, just that i havent heard it pronounced that way before. ]

i kept thinking about plmates, what we went thru and stuff. esp this memory of us cheering in the rain during onestar course. the rain was so so heavy, could hardly see the coast [which was what, 200m away?] and it was freezing cos all of us were drenched to the skin. we cheered and sang the songs we learnt and know together.. it all kept coming back to me.

and the most embarassing part? i felt tears coming when 'home' was played. sheesh.

warped and pathetic, i know i know..
go ahead and have a good laugh.

well. 53 min is really a long time to think abt things when all u can see are more pple in no 4 and a brilliant view of the band.

on a less stoned note, i cant wait for mon!


|jav| 6:18 AM|

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06/06/05
hai. im over being angst-y. a bit of split personality, i know. muddy once said i scare her. [wait. tons of pple told me that. prolly because of other things as well.]

ok maybe im just being resentful. that sis of mine is always out doing her proj[s] and np stuff while im stuck at home here. then the parents kan wo so free, buay song and start nagging me about doing stuff. starting on homework and shit. and purposefully bringing up my going away on week 4 'so i better bloody well complete my work by then'.

cut me some slack, wil ya? it's friggin wk 2 for pete's sake. and on a mon.

im turning into this jibbering, non-intelligent creature. the result of too much tv, too little conversation with fellow human beings and an overdose of books. can practically feel my brain oozing out from my forehead. ]

whatever happened to hols?


|jav| 2:21 PM|

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i wish i live in a mansion.
then the entire family can go on days without seeing each other. i'll make sure i have absolutely everything i need in my room- the fridge, the toilet, computer and tv. and books.
parents are getting on my nerves. literally. getting into each others' way.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
'just quit your f-ing nagging and shut the hell up. i know what im doing so stay out.back off. go mind your business. get a f-ing life. give me some space and air. you're cramming my style.'

shit you.


|jav| 2:06 PM|

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