30/01/05
hey bloggie :)

after lion dance prac ytd, went along with muddy, van and ming to special olympics and played floor hockey.

what can i say? i was my first time interacting pple with learning diabilities. was a little nervous before getting there, but when we started playing, all the doubts disappeared. i enjoyed myself. truely did, unlike most cip which pple do to torture, bore themselves to death. realised that i can play a sport and am actually pretty good at it, but most importantly, im inspired. im inspired by miss yani, the way she handled and taught the guys there, and the fact that she isnt paid to do what she's doing. cant wait to go back next week..

tell you more abt floor hockey: it's this game started from special olympics in canada. unlike the usual hockey or floor ball, players are given sticks [erm. at least tt's what we call them. shall ask for the proper term for it.] and the puc is this donut-shaped hard rubber/cloth thing. so you put ur stick in the middle and run around with it.

and the guys were good. at the end of the day, all of us were sweating after running arnd like mad women. we need to strategize, girls ;) and work on our passes..

ps. and like, we were suppose to act as if we actualy play hockey, this mind game thing miss yani played with the guys, so they'll play competitively with us. we were suppose to be a team which they can practise with, so the coach and miss yani can more or less know if they're improving. they are playing against a team in japan next month. but guess what, i think without a doubt we've completely gave the game away. that was how bad we were. give us time man :D





|jav| 9:47 PM|

+++

im sorry i lost it. im sorry muddy, never knew i have to apologise yet again within such a small amount of time but i guess i did it again. im sorry.

im sorry i gave up hope so easily, would have seem like we're defeated, wouldn't it? i was so mad and helpless, and it wasnt targeted at you, my dearest muddy. im sorry i lashed out at you, knowing that you've tried. didn't we all try?

dont know what to think now. all those weeks of futile waiting; i guess more is yet to come eh. i can't promise i'll still be waiting patiently cos something has snapped and ran away with all those tears. but i promise i won't make things any harder for all of us.

im sorry.

still can remember the look on ur face when you said btc seems too early. dont know how to describe it. what-saddness tinged with helplessness? frustrated yet knowing you've done everthing you could?

maybe Man are made forgetful. all i wanna say it, dont forget what we're feeling now, cos when all this is over, when we finally have our day, victory will taste all the more sweeter.

love you all still.




|jav| 9:23 PM|

+++

Im sorry I was mad
I was angry cos im scared
Being loved by you with such uncertainty
Living this life in such ambiguity
Don’t you think it’s such a tragedy?

I just want you to hold me through the nights
Go on days without petty fights

You said you’d follow with me wherever I go
And then with a kiss on the lips, ‘I love you so’
But were you serious when you committed
Cos recently, these are not the things you admitted

Im sick and tried of living this dream
Please tell me you’re still the same person that you seemed
I miss the days when watching sunsets are all that matter
That disarming way you look at me when we banter

You have to make up your mind
Cos we’re running out of time
Time flies, no one knows what the future lies
Perhaps, in the end we’ll have to part
By then, I know you’ll break my heart.
But still, somehow, it wouldn’t seem so hard.

one of my few moments of literary inspiration.15jan.
ps: this is purely creation. has got zilch connection to my actual life, that's what i mean.


|jav| 9:04 PM|

+++

22/01/05
dear bloggie

do you know what would i like? i would like some time. some more spare time after the homework, lion dance, doing stuff with pple, ncc trging with partas if we, like, finally have them here, studying, sleeping, dreaming and being in sch. just gimme some time in the red packets most of us are receiving during cny.

cos i'd like to write poems.all day long.got myself a notebk few week ago, started writing but hadnt got the time and non-sleepy brain to do some creative work. ok im lying. im too lazy to think. oh what the hell, just give us all more time.

oh btw, i got the part of shi tou :D whee.actually, all thanks to noi who gave up her head cos she has her cheerleading duties.[we officially have 2 cheerleaders in the platoon *claps* who says pple in ncc are boyish?] in fact, i was the da tou wa wa. the extra grinning face one. noi exchanged with me.

noi said that she can look completely miserably behind the mask but on the outside it will still grin.

i heard that pple live that way. but i dont want to.
well, ok.maybe sometimes. but then what if the mask gets stuck to ur face and you cant take it off whenever u like? freak incident. one fine day it'll turn out: 'hey world, this ain my face. wait a min, i forgot how my face looks..'

i need to manage my time better. other words that describe my ideal time management is 'skilful', 'multi-tasking' and 'impossible'.

why am i even trying.

sch is a system in which poor souls like me get robbed of creative juices/imagination and/or other chances/opportunities to learn and explore, which, worst of all, works under the facade of educating young minds.

wow. i actually came up with that sentence.

ok, it's partly fallacious but the fact remains that sch is this monster which devours and occupies space in our lives. our lives shouldnt be = to sch. we should have life outside sch. space and air beyond sch. everytime i walk out of sch, i look at the beautiful trees and blue sky [i think i'll miss the trees outside after i leave. they really are beautiful. but not the point here.]and i feel sorry for myself. and for everyone else who walk out of there, had a glimpse of the beautiful life out there and realise what she is missing, but then too tired and beaten to fantasize.


|jav| 8:39 PM|

+++

14/01/05
this sucks.
i just saved all the training proposals from part bs and cs' trg for the following mon so im feeling exceptional sucky now. sad. disappointed. helpless. frustration. tho all in tiny quantities but yah, it still sucks.

i want my part as. i want a part to love, teach and scream at, hopefully, soon. all we can do now is to wait, the 4 of us sitting in the nc room discussing strategies and war plans..and still waiting in hope.

i mean...3. if there was a sharp clean penknife in the room i would have stabbed myself to death. but anw, the rest of the company would look at us in future and take consolation in the tragic three. [alliteration. pltmates know what i mean.]

thanks platoonmates. thank you so much for the hugs and encouraging words, all the understanding. i know it sounds cliched [damn, even this sentence sounds cliched], all these really mean a lot to me.

to dearest muddy, noisan and ming; my fellow part as ncos: jia you ba! i believe everything will work out fine. [assuming that there are 30 pple to dump at here. if not, need more strategies..] just dont give up and jue wang yet. meanwhile, we'll stay in the room and do homework and plan for 1sg trg presents together kaes.. *try not to forget that if we get 30 part as, we'll be the ones having the most bday presents!! :D and we'll be the ones making the most ord presents as well :X haha..* most importantly, thank you for holding my hand and my heart and sticking painful smiles, despite the anxiety and frustration, with me..

to sec4s:[permission to tell you that]thank you so much for ur supportive words and your helping us to call the sec1s..and coming back even if you dont need to, to give us moral support :D

..

we've been waiting for 3 yrs to do this but at the end of the day, there is still a long tunnel. but anyhow, since we wanted from the start[think we're the only platoon who has pple that want to take part as], we have to be prepared for all the setbacks and disappointments. just like what the past part a ncos have done..there still will be light at the end for us.

just keeping waiting waiting waiting..just keep waiting waiting waiting..


|jav| 11:30 PM|

+++

09/01/05
hey bloggie:D

whoa.haven been posting for quite some time; not because im suddenly self-conscious or aware that there are actually people reading this private and seeming 'empty' blog.

many things have happened since the last time i blogged.
haven talked abt nc chalet and the fabulous kayaking class we took as a platoon..

and of course, the crossover from year 2004 to currently, 2005. still haven gotten out of the habit as refering 2005 as this yr, instead of next. haven got over the fact that im now a sec4.

sec4.last yr in rgs. my ord year. this is frightful thought. like they all say, cant believe this is my last. dont mean to ruin all this, but somehow, i cant shake of the shadow of us leaving this year. my last speech day/tcher's day/youth day/sports carn/swim carn/netball carn/racial harmony day/..in fact, my last 9th of jan as a rgs kid.

just wanna put all the time in a bottle so i cud let it out slowly, tiny bit by tiny bit.



|jav| 11:36 PM|

+++