28/09/04
i am munching on the very last apple in the fruit basket in the house[in case you're wondering,there really is a fruit basket.with handle,made from cane and all.dun ask me where my mother found it.]

mum is currently extremely pissed at me cos i once again protested about dinner.really need to write it down somewhere for future reference:do mums take it as an insult if their kids whine/complain a bit abt how sad and pathetic their dinner [really]is?

well cos she took it badly.real bad.

so what can i do?sit down there spooning rice soaked with another type of nameless soup cos they all taste the same and pretend im in shatec.but as u can see,it took more than all the imagination i could ever have.gave up,stood up,put in bowl in the sink and walked into parents room.[of course with the banging and sniffing-wells,i did feel sorry for myself and teared all the while eating.felt like being in a salvation -haha,starvation- camp.]

sat down and wrote all the food i want to eat for tmr,for the day after next,then next..and left the whole bundle on the dressing table.

the thing is,i remembered mum cooking delicious food for us,me anjoying her cooking.then somehow along the way,she stopped.she stopped caring if sis or i eat,if the food is edible or if the food is actually nutritious.

pardon me but i take bio so im more conscious about the food i put into my digestive tract.it doesn take much of a scientist to figure out that im eating too little and the fact that that little food is not nutritious.[lack of carbs,vitamins,proteins,fats,trace minerals..hey,tt's everything.]

confession:i kinda quit taking dinner.
i dunno how my dad,my sis can tolerant the horrible food but im sick and tired of having clashes with mum regarding food.hence the new philosophy is- if u hate it,dont eat it.

and i hate the way mum says that oh you should be lucky that you're eating this.
well for feck's sake,the last time i checked,there werent any bombs flying overhead so stop acting as if we're living in iraq or africa.[damn i bet those leaves they eat have more nutrients that what im eating.]

i admit im picky,but it's nice to know that someone actually bothers to cook something for you and cares for you thru that cooking.

maybe that's why i cudden stop the tears from flowing when i saw that plate of yellow and limp cabbage on the table.

to me,that shows that she stopped caring.



|jav| 10:13 PM|

+++

15/09/04
dropping a note before slipping back to work.

dunno what's wrong with me.dun want to use yet another overused word but i tink i know how is it feels to be depressed.maybe im seeing a tiny corner of it.ok larh,i feel down.for no reason.quoting nurul,'i dont feel the motivation..[trails off]'.to do anything,to be happier and to talk to anybody.just wanna left alone and stay quiet and stressed.

and if the grey skies dun clear up soon,i think i'll forget how to smile.oh yah,i read in macbeth that the forshadowing of one's mood from the weather,or the association of weather to one's mood[forgot which.] is called 'pathetic fallacy'. apt pun or what.

grr.wanna get out of here,of sch,of my life and breathe in fresh air.

out.


|jav| 4:55 PM|

+++

14/09/04
fuck them all.

just because ive got a fucking dc for fuck's sake,im always put under the fucking microscope.some fucking person just came up to me and said,'do u want me to book you'..crap crap crap.fuck.
im was so fucking angry but all i cud do was to blink my my tears.tears of unfairness cos i did check my socks this morning and fuck,just when i turn arnd and look at another pltmate's sock,hers were way way below.i mean,i cant even see it.
fuck her.i mean that person.
fuck the sch rules mann.
what fucking thinking sch actually books u for low socks.fucking ridiculous or what.
like yah,you dun pull ur fucking shcks higher enuff for everyone to see so u're fucking condemned.

excuse me,if u open your fucking eyes wide,u will see that everyone arnd me,sch mates,pltmates break more rules than me.and really,i wanted to change for the better.

fuckfuckfuckfuck.

i got that fuckign dc because im fucking unlucky aiight.
fuck you.



|jav| 10:06 AM|

+++

12/09/04
hey bloggie

damn i feel like shit.one of those days when you just feel like crawling back into bed and remain there for the rest of the day.



|jav| 9:05 AM|

+++

10/09/04
open apology here.

firstly,i really wanted to delete the entry i wrote ytd before typing this out.but i shan.what's the point if the damage is already done.

muddy and ning:
hey im really sorry for what i said abt you guys and yes,i have read the emails you have sent to me.all this miscommunication is making me feel awkard and made me realise that im actually childish and narrow-minded.like what i said to ning,i shudden have wrote all this hurting words here [esp] when im mad cos the tendencies for me to blurt out all the 'injusties' i felt often go wrong.waay wrong can you can see now.ning,in her email, also made me see something whoch i hadnt thought before.that sometimes i shud take a step further and to look at things in a bigger perspective,that all the opinions are meant to be constructive and beneficial for the part,nothing personal here.

then there's the part which im just getting used to.the fact is,mdm did make you 2 csm and acsm.so in terms of msg passing and authority,you 2 do have the 'hierarchy' thingie before the rest of us.it's just that after being pltmates for three yrs,after being equal and the 'same' for 3 yrs,im having a difficult time adjusting to this.and pls dun deny that we're all still equal.cos it's not and i dun blame anything,i just need time to adjust to it.

i know that i wasnt being fair to you at all and im sorry abt it.what i shud have done was to question myself if my anger was indeed justified and corect.and before ning called me or reading your emails,i did feel bad abt all those words.but i guess something good did come out from this and im glad that the 2 of you talked sense to me.

there are many things that i have to learn or accept;to be a bigger person and a less childish one,to stop,for Pete's sake,blow things out of propotion.esp now that our position in the company is changing.so im really sorry for misunderstanding and rest assured that in future,i will put myself in your shoes before saying anything so slandering and wrong.

and mud,yes i do know that being the bad guy always sucks.

btw,i think some of that anger stemmed from not knowing what's going on.next time in future,if any plans are made,just tell me yah,dun worry i wun bite your heads off.
and mud,of course they din take 10 pple to decide on the no of solid fuels they have to buy.but i bet the person who planned for that activity did know abt that.


|jav| 7:30 PM|

+++

04/09/04
she will be loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye


love this song..



|jav| 8:11 PM|

+++