25/08/04
math test was HORRIBLE....[like when has it been not?]
i hope i can pass it tho,i shud if i dont make any careless mistakes.the record set so far for carelessness is 6 'careless's on my answer sheet.darn.all those marks down the drain.

311 is so amusing.my classmates are interesting pple.someone constructed a pledge to take for the class before the test.it din make much sense to me but it felt good saying it as a class.and then all that buzzing abt during recess,all of us doing mass worrying just before the test.it felt good belonging to that,and im pretty sure that my class is one of the few classes which do that.we simply have no competitiveness among us.at least no obvious teeth to teeth kind.

oh yah,and a great thanks you to our dear pet.i love her to bits man.she has been manning our rs file so well so not much work has to be done when we had to put together a portfolio.and thanks to miss lim,who had made us do all of our reflections and minutes during the weekends,we handed in the file ytd so i had time to study.the rest of the world was rushing their portfolio today,or had slept late[or early-ning slept at 2] last night,so i felt a bubble of pride for our grp:P

this is bad.why am i talking abt sch and mundane stuff?

oh yah,and i love my pmates.dunno what made me say that,just felt a rush of gratitude and love towards them.

and i think im healing.after a well,when u just ignore them and not think abt it too much,it will gradually stop affecting you.


|jav| 10:53 AM|

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23/08/04
felt as if i need to carry an oxygen tank arnd to breathe.
im stressed,majorly stressed.have math,ss and eng test this week,of which two on the same day.math and ss requires a person with a brain power twice of mine,so i guess i have to selectively choose what to study.and then there's all the sadness and hurts and stings and disapointments that add on to that stress.sheesh i dun do briliantly in sch kae,so why not let me take things one at the time.

things are getting from bad to worse.suddenly it like, jan&sara&av the threesome trooping off to wherever leaving me behind.maybe they thought it's easier like that.there always had been some form of tension when i was arnd.[yah.when i WAS arnd]so maybe this arrangment ain that bad at all.but why do i feel so leftout in the rain staring in from a window and downright miserable?ive tried it everyway to make that stop or at least make myself less pathetic and more dignified.tried doing my work,looking another way while they leave,tried not to wonder 'eh,where have they disappear to' each time they leave without leaving a word.and then suddenly it's like even av is not talking to me.i mean,i wasnt even angry with jan in the first place,and im quite sure that she's not angry at me,so why is there suddenly all this shit happening?

the 4 words which i exchanged with av today:'are u going home?'-jav
'im sweeping the floor.'
[ok well,she really was sweeping the floor and i was preparing to go home after math clinic.the way she replied was rather curt.like.ouch man,what did i do?this is the first fucking sentence i said to you all day and is this the best u can do?]

and then there's the talk.i had waited for it to happen.jan sent me an email saying that she needed to 'discuss' some stuff with me.i had waited all day but it din happened.am i suppose to be the one looking for her?i mean,isnt she the one who sent me the email so she shud be the one looking for me instead?

i feel trampled,crushed and thrown away by them most part of the day.most of the time,i just feel utterly lost,that ive misplace my anchor somewhere.i hate that feeling.i hate to cry for myself,to feed on my self-pity.i hate feeling so pathetic.i want to act as if they dun matter to me.but they do.at least deep down i finally admit that they do.

you know what?im stressed over all the tests and hurt that i really dunno what to feel anymore.stressed with a pinch of hurt or hurting with stress?it just doesn make sense to me.

damn.anyhow ive found a way to study and forget abt all this shit for a while.to be completely focused and study like mad so everything gets block out.u get 2 things accomplished anyway.

wish list:
-for my platoonmates to be less stressed and have more time for each other
i dun know.we kinda dun joke as much as we did before and i really miss that.and then there's this period again when everyone is so stressed and focused on studies that their other pltmates are pushed aside.damn,im vulnerable and extremely sensative now yah.i'll prolly resent my pmates now for not giving me hugs in the morning [i need them] but the policy is,if u dun ask for it,u wun get it.moreover,they have their own problems too.
-a huge bottle of pills that contain sleep,anti-hurt,discipline pills and a miracle pill
miracle pill:for part b to stay but since such pills dun exist,then..[bursts out crying]
sleep pills:gosh i'll die without my sleep but there really isnt time for resting now.not even the essential rest.thank god i dun drive,tts all.
anti-hurt:yah you know.
discipline:to study,to keep focus and push myself

-for the 4 of us to be friends again cos i really cant take it anymore.


|jav| 4:25 AM|

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01/08/04
hey bloggie.

ha.blogging for the first time in skool.flet v emotional all of a sudden,wanted to pour all of them out here.

ord is over.it rained on parade and all of our scurried all over sch looking for a bloody parade ground which is under shelter.best choice?void deck.which is absolutely horrible.i think the one thing we did which was rather unprofessional was the scold the rest of the company.ok part of it was the drills,but i tink most of it was the stress that was mounting.ning just went nuts larhs.but hey,dammit ur sec3s are pissed,the weather is not following to plans and everything was ruined.grin and bear with it.[not literally.]
then parade.it was sucky,all of us were like damn nervous.suddenly but shirt was too tucked in and i felt suffocating.we checked our uniforms like a million times before but somehow it was still shitty[that we learnt from 1sg vanessa when we asked her to tell us the whole truth.]
after parde was water bombs.i tink now,upon reflection,even tho it was fun for us and our ncos,other sec4s.part as and bs were a lil neglected.just look at how wet we were after that.sighs.damn fun.we prepared our big bag of water bombs for them,and took one each for ourselves.gave one each to part bs and a few[?i dunno.not part a temp nco] to part as.buckets soon appeared.1 sg liangpei dumped the whole garbage bag over my head.[huh?why so dark suddenly]anw,it was quite nutty to play water bombs since it just rained and it was really cold.

shall fast forward to ord dinner or it'll nv end

dinner.we moved lower down to the place from the origional place cos the security guard said we were just in front of the camera.[say cheese.]moved.sec4s were coming le but where are the food pple?no where to be found.so between the food coming and sec4s coming,we were just stomping arnd,damn anxious and worried.all the [idiotic] pple arnd were jsut staring at us like a huge freak show.wanted to point middle finger[universal sign of get lost,what the f**k are u staring at.applies to rude tou8rist and nosey singaporean.yeahy man.]but part as and bs were there.so yah.controlled.then received a call from ning.food's here!!dashed all the way to other side,got some help from part bs [thank you part bs :)] and got into ready position for the arrival of sec4s.carmen[who were leading them] appeared and all of us got ready.GOH.saluted.then dinner started.we just wanted to die of embarrasment and shame when we took at least 5 min finding a place for sec4s to seat.because the place is too open,pple were blatantly staring at us like no one's business.sec4s were rather uncomfortable with that of course.in the end they sat more or less where we planned for them to seat.[they were really really nice about it.]noisan nearly burst out crying and i bet a few sec4s saw it.[i caught a look from ssg kangya.that concerned look.haish.]anw,we proceeded with food.norm stuff like us running arnd with plates,a few of us dashed to macs to wash plates [until i saw the manager lookign at us disapprovingly.we later used aluminium foil..],serving ice.the radio played song and lulu [our star waitress] came and tell me that a few sec4s were tearing cos the songs were too sad.both of us went out with a box of tissues[specailly brought for that very purpose] and gave then to 1sg vanessa.sec4s sitting near her smiled.the dinner continued.we ran out of drinks so van and i sprinted to the other side and bought some.when we came back,sec4s were exchanging their presents from each other.desert then some part a temp nco came and say the skirt had to start cos one of them had to leave.then skirt.

carmen and i were the mcs for the show.part as performed some show which carmen and i din understand no matter how hard we strained our ears.anw,we were lookign out of pple who were taking photos of us.so damn irritating,

*bell rings* continue later.recess is over..





|jav| 10:28 AM|

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