26/07/04
phew.after one day of nonstop stressing out,finally back to my realm.

today is horrible.ughs.haha.having trickle trickle,emotions and moodswings going waay out of hand.ord is this sat.gasp*parade is like quite dead.presents are quite dead.the only hopeful part is the food.with nadiah of course.but currently,the situation is barely afloat.what am i doing here?*looks arnd.'spose to be doing presents.

wanted time to freeze for a while today.so many things,so lil time.

dun want to go thru my horrible day here.lets skip that.wanna talk abt sec4s.

carn believe they are leaving in 4 days time.they've been our idiotic sec2s who ran pass our territory to get greeted,our amazing and zia sec3s who survived thru specs course and have all the courage to command the whole company during their mock specs[wells,we were part bs at that time],then became our sec4s whom we've come to know so much about and love.that was our journey with sec4s.they were our 'immediate' seniors for all these yrs.before they become sec4s,they were these bunch of pple we grew up with,these misty pple who ran and dashed arnd along with us during trgs and pumped for us during part a camp.the pple we often bumped into in the eblocks [in sec1] when the system still exists.the pple whom some of our classmates were curious abt.['monsters?' what are u gretting?]what would we do without them?without their shelter,support and love,can we still hold on?i feel lost.the sense of loss and lost.

like i said,last sat din feel like an ending.there were too few tears.i just din feel it.maybe that week when we poured all our tears,that was meant to be an ending for me.all these time,these weeks when we had to plan for sentosa,to look for mdm for ord and other stuff,training our juniors..i dunno.i dunno what to say.it's like,we're different in front of pple who think we're capable of leading[juniors and mdm] and in front of sec4s,we're just vulnerable.i dunno.remember i mentioned once it's hard being a temp nco and part c?yah.tt's it.




|jav| 11:50 AM|

+++

25/07/04
 

damn this is lame.currently at sara's hse trying to accomplish some work for geo proj.sclub playing on background.

yesterday was last trg.it rained very heavily in the morning and continued to rain while we were ddoing pt. "heaven was crying for us" to sec4s,duh it's their very very last trg in rgsncc.for us,well.last trg in part c yr,also the last time we do pt and drills as a platoon.our drills sucked yesterday;most of us knew that when sec4s said we gave them 17 good consecutive bangs,they were lying.sighs.
mdm wanted to talk to us and sec4s later,so we din bersurai as a company.like, that was important to me.:(

ya noe,yesterday's ending didnt quite seem like ending to me.i din feel the sense of closure,of losing pple u love.talked to carmen on the way up to lockers, she said that she felt cheated.the feeling is gone.while we were in a circle,singing company songs,i din feel anything.maybe my tears are all dried up already.the sentence which kept appearing in my head was 'eh i dun feel teary leh..'remembered 1sg liang pei saying that during rod dinner last yr.well, i only teared a bit only when i saw encik crying like no one's business.fat fat teardrops were rolling down her face.1sg elizabeth's hand [which i was holding]was soft and warm.the circle was very very tight and everyone looked sad.but i cant seem to cry,not just yet.

alright,will update later when i reach home.not used to typing on a labtop.




|jav| 4:33 AM|

+++

11/07/04
cant sleep.can feel that my body is slowing shutting down but i dun feel sleepy-eyed,at all.just thought that i might adjust if i go live in the west or smtg,since it's suppose to be day now.sighs.will definitely feel tired tmr.
reading abt free radicals and tombolos.
i tink im too interested in too many things.

oh yah.just thot of smtg embarrassing during trg ytd.i had to dash across from right to left when we did yang tinggi as a company.hmph.planning to drink 2 glasses of milk per day.gosh.i was surrounded by part as lorhs.grr.

off to count sheep.

1.11am


|jav| 10:13 AM|

+++

thank god ytd's trg din go that bad.
i think we shud do this more often.meeting up early before trg,practise drill,sing a few songs,get hyped up for trg and everything then go for trg.it did help us a lot.we were pratising drills in netball courts then we saw 1sg elizabeth and 1sg vanessa walking towards us.felt quite weird practising drills in front of them.after a while,they told us to take a rest cos trg is starting soon.we sat at the railings at the water coolers and sang..and sang..haha.a few vague ideas of us cutting a mtv for sec4s,jus take away our voices and put in the real song..hahahaha

norm stuff,pt,drills,company drills.after pt,all of us squashed up on the wall[robbos' butt was halfway off the wall..lols.carmen looked arnd for space,sec4s held her up and she climbed on that tiny space.mud did smtg really funny,she stood up and her butt was at ming's face.hahahahha] for photo taking.nad sprained her ankle [again!] while jumping down.i was quite scared after that,then in the end my pmates were holding onto me while i dropped off.robbo held my right leg up,the other pltmates were holding both my hands,so i looked quite comically when i landed.[think matrix.]oh wells.

company pt:we did lots of hantak,cheered 'we' and the other cheer.'count by the ...' sec4s scolded like shit.company songs.teared a bit,but kicked myself hard so those tears wun fall.1sg hanna was crying..ssg ran away to cry..sighs.hate goodbyes.

better go take a shower.just came back from jogging;stinking like no one's business.


|jav| 8:31 AM|

+++

09/07/04
everything's been going wrong lately.feel like blowing up,so tempted to do so today at school,but knew that ive gotta keep it all in.or at least try to.since all my pltmates are also going thru the same thing,it wud be selfish to unleash at them.

i wish i had the guts to say enough is enough.

bad day.first thing in the morning,i screwed up reporting.sec4s were completely pissed at us.because i was the one who screwed,of course i felt exceptionally guilty.that guilt increased when i recalled that i had been rather unkind and not understanding to van ytd when she forgot the same thing.and it was her who hugged me and said dun feel so bad.i do.i had been thinking abt me being a good nco,setting a good example and stuff the day before already.and i have already regretted some of the stupid things ive done.this morning,sec4s scolded us for basic stuff,exact stuff which we had been scolding our juniors for.i feel so unqualified,that we're unfit to scold part as,that whatever we scold them in future is so unjustified.like,hey,sec3s are making the same mistake or even worse and they dare to scold us so loudly some more.i hate that kind of feeling.carmen and i have already labelled that as having double standards.

i guess i wun proudly say that im not a confident person.i once told janice that and she was quite surprised.but yah.under all that loudness and lameness,there are so many times when i feel inadequate and unsure.i hate feeling what i had feltwhen sec4s scolded us because i know that that would ultimately weaken my self confidence at leading/drilling part as.

anw,back to topic.i really dunno what's happening to us.it's like,after spec,everything began to slip rather rapidly downhill.ning thought it was beacause the whole 'im a temp nco' thing is getting into our heads.i dunno.for me,it's not.if i had the choice,i wudden want to be a temp nco in the first place.firstly,we dun have time to practise drills.at all.secondly,for some unknown reason,we always have this phrase where things were always going wrong.bad spell.i cant explain it.but yah,i know we have to beat it.once again,the double standards thingie going on.like,carmen's been telling part as to give sec4s one great ord parade,and they really did have improved.but now look at us.if we're disappointing sec4s now,what right do we have to tell part as to give sec4s a good ord?i mean,based on the very fact that whether we can give them a good ord is questionable.

second thing which irritated me today:mass media lesson.ive concluded that jieying as a director is damn freaking irritating,she likes to bark commands into my ear for some reason.ok,im being unfair to her.and i tink im officially her no.1 enemy after me telling her not to yell into my ear today.dao-ed me.well i do the same.ok anw,i was pissed cos on
the first day,she was blatantly giving me step-by-step intructions on how to film.then when we were all discussing the angle and stuff,she doesnt seem very willing to accept our inputs.im not a tyrant larhs,i dun expect everyone to listen to me all the time,but
i do appreciate it when pple at least consider my ideas.that plus she likes talkign into my ear.that cant be help since both of us were trying to watch the screen while recording,so when she speaks,her voice definitely is projected into my ear.then she has this chao irritating voice.it's rather high and what?whiny?i dunno.but that cant be helped too.i just got realy pissed and due to what happened in the morning,i blew it.i finally told her to not talk into my ear today.after tolerating for 2 hrs on tue.gosh what a bitch i am.i cud tell that her feelings were pretty bruised.but damn,i hate pple telling me what to do,never mind director or not.then again,i dun have the habit of bitching abt pple.it's not nice.i mean,look at my entries,all i talk abt is ncc ncc ncc.so after reflecting on my nasty and completely childish behavior today,i have decided that i must apologise to her on monday.was so much of a bitch to her today;she din deserve that.sorry jieying..

third and most impt thing:presents.
noisan:we have become christmas elfs!
damn never had winter been so cold and lonely.stayed back every single day of the 4 days this week and gosh,im so tired.the idea of having a glucose drip so that i can doze off the sleep have been popping my head far too often.[busy doing presents so din have time to eat.too hungry and tired]it's like,everyday after sch it's either trg or presents.then there's homework.im lagging behind.the [more] guilt i carrying arnd for not doing my work or studying is mounting.
on tue,only carmen muddy van and i stayed back till arnd 6 to do presents.and i guess,from then on,i do carry a small amt of resentment towards my pltmates who are not there.my logical part of the brain knows that this is really unresonable but i really cant help it.pple leave sch earlier because they really have stuff or in noisan's case on tue,she was sick.most of them had valid reasons.i ought to understand that.but my tired mind is not registering.i can tell u how tired it is to make presents.the mere action of cutting up cloth,measuring and sewing can drain all ur energy away.it's amazing but yah.there u have it.i get tensed and edgy whenever i step into 310's classrm after sch.pple are constantly talking to me,asking me what to do.and seriously,after one day of sch,it can drive you nuts.every few second,'javine..javine..'even van and shawna is yelling for me.then yah,today was a bad day from the beginning,so i almost lost it,blew it at my pltmates.im so thankful that my self-control is on high alert.tho i think i did gave hint that im edgy and near to blowing.
i just hope that all this bad feelings,resentment,unhappiness and frustration goes away.it ain going to be easy,but i do have to make them go away.need patience and calmness and understanding.i mean,be kinder to urself larhs.if u're really edgy and tensed,ur self-control switches to high,blood pressure shoots and emotions run wild.not pretty.

a thought which bugged me throughtout today: had almost wish that im not from nc.so the relationship between sec4s and us wun be that strong,so when they leave,we wun feel so sad,so when everything's good and happy,we wun feel extremely elated,so that when they scold,we wun feel so ashamed and they wun feel so disapointed.right now at this point of time,i would rather everything be stable and neutral.ncc is not that.i cant take the passion,the deep rooted sense of responsibility,the extreme feeling of guilt from myself and extreme disappointment from sec4s.not now.


grr.someone pls gimme a hug and tell me everything will be fine.tell me not to worry so much,think so much and carrying arnd a burden so much.someone pls tell me to loosen up and enjoy the process and the reasons why i need understanding towards my pltmates.someone pls explain to me why am i feeling strange abt sec4s now-plain fear and plain numbness.

someone pls kiss away the winter and bring in some sun.




|jav| 7:36 AM|

+++

05/07/04
all my bags are packed and im ready to go
im standing here outside your door
i hate to wake u up to say goodbye
but the dawn's breakin
it's early morn
the taxi's waiting
he's blowing his horn
already im so lonesome i could die

so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
cos im leaving on a jetplane
dun know when i'll be back again
oh babe i hate to go..

third last trg.we din do much.pt,played games[so embarrassing.i fell.],sec4s scolded us,other sec4s came and talk to us abt part as and bs.then we cried.like 12 lumps of shit.haha.just cudden stop.van tried to start on what we were suppose to clear up with sec4s.abt thurs.then she burst out crying.yah.so did we.

our parta ncos came back.then for some reason,i jus stared at them and teared.1sg clara and 1sg ng yun.so chio sia.and so so far away.i was just sitting here,thinking of the times when they were still our ncos,putting them in rg uniform,talking to us,scolding us.very very soon,we'll just be just like them as well.then i teared.gosh.then when sec4s came back,encik saw my red eyes and stared at me.well i got the idea that she thought that my skinned knees were hurting.

but thousands gashes and cuts cud never represent the pain in my heart.

sat in front of sec4s and cried..and crying and crying and crying.we just cudden stop.and thanks very much to the guides who were singing all the farewell songs[it was their sec4s farewell]. "sometimes goodbye tho it hurts in ur heart is the only way for destiny.."

thanks sia.

i cannot imagine the actual ord dinner.must prepare to bring pails.





|jav| 6:46 AM|

+++

02/07/04
if i had to live without my life without u near me
the days would seem so empty and the nites would seem so long
with u i see forever oh so clearly
i might have been in love before but it never felt this strong..

hold me now,touch me now
i dun want to live without you
nothing's gonna change my love for you
u ought to know how much i love you
one thing u can be sure of
i'll never ask for more than ur love
nothing's gonna change my love
u ought to know how much i love you
the whole world might change my life thru
but nothing's gonna change my life for you

yesterday was a disaster.we were told to wear no.3 and it turned out shit.when sec4s were scolding us in the rifle range,i really felt like hell.like im in hell itself.it was dark,ssg did not want to turn on the light.they were scolding us abt how shittified our uniform was.if i cud cower,i would curl up in shame.then sec4s mentioned abt us being proud after becoming specs.abt us wanting them to leave soon so we cud take over.quote:'if u want us to leave,we can rod now larh..'

that completely stinks.that was the worst accusation sec4s can say abt us.that was completely untrue.that hurts us like shit.

i dunno what we do to make sec4s think that way.izzit because we were shouting at the parts while ord trg when they were there?maybe they thought we're showing our authority in front of them?that we displayed enthusiasium abt trg,that we wanted them to leave,that we cant wait to take over the company?

it's all not true.it hurts so much.i jus wanna go hug them real hard and say 'ec4s,what u say is false.we dun want you to leave,at all..'

i feel wronged.im so overwhelmed by sadness and disapointment and shocked that they can ever doubt what we feel for them.i feel as if if they leave thinking that way,i'll jus stop grieving for them leaving and feel numb.

dammit.trg is tomolo.



|jav| 11:49 PM|

+++