29/06/04
say it isnt so
tell me you're not leaving
say u change ur mind now
that im only dreaming
this is not goodbye
this is not yet over
if u wanna know
i dun want to let go
..say it isnt so

first ord trg today.all six of us just freaked out seeing the standard of part as'.this is not meant to put sec4s down;i know that they had put in a lot of effort for part as.maybe even more then any batch of ncos.they're really wei1 da4.i can finally understand why sec4s shouted so much at them during camp.like finally.u dont understand until you're in their shoes.

being ncos is hard.u have to be patient with them,yet be firm.i tink we were too easy on them today.basically,in order not to traumatise them further and not give ourselves heart attacks or seizures,we can be said to drill them blindfolded.ya know,the phrase 'close one eye'?we were closing both our eyes.my heart smashed when i saw the dissappointed look in ssg kangya's eyes.she looked so so lost and..broken.i really dunno what to do.it's not that they're not putting in effort.effort can be seen.what im worrid abt is,is that the best they can do?if it is,then SHIT.i dun mind being the villian if that's what it takes to pull part as together and brush up their standard.i mean,not brush up larhs.like spike up,permed or smtg.desperado..ssg kangya talked to vani and told her to concentrate on marching first.part as know how to start and stop.that's it.we'll jus have to bia thru.

sec4s were sneaking behind us at the starting of trg;wanted to spy on us until sir walked towards them.i felt quite embarassed being watch by the whole bunch of sec4s.stressed.
at the end of trg,sir was planting himself near us,cud only sneak in a few words when he walked over to partbs side.we looked damn conspicuous,squeezing close together and speaking in low low voices.ha.:P well at least part as know smtg abt ord.briefed them all abt the ahem part,shud be fine.

want to write somemore,but getting late.
out.


|jav| 9:49 AM|

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28/06/04
had a wonderful lunch with pltmates this afternoon.jus felt like good old times again.we satat kfc talking abt sec4s,abt specs course,god knows what..hahaha.but i had a great time.and sadly,that is the last of our lunch together[till the end of ord].as from this week,tues and thurs are ord trgs,wed and fri presents making.i so love my life.

after that,was on the bus,making my way home.since i only had 2 hrs of sleep last night,i fell asleep on the bus.or so i thought.closed my eyes,then suddenly heard a greeting.part a.gosh she gave me a shock larhs.damn,so malu,i shud stop getting shocked/freaked by my JUNIORS. *red faced*

ya noe,all this ord comm,basically,how things are working out now for ord planning is making some of us unhappy.i was unhappy for a while.sher and ming are definitely unhappy.cant speak for the rest,but observed some disapproving faces at times.all this is suppose to make us more efficient,but is it breaking us in the process?i feel bad for muddy.i noe that she's broken between going easy on her pltmates due to the very nature that we ARE her pltmates and her personality-efficient and on task.and she put into a position where she's forced to strike out the balance between the both.so yah,that's how my unhappiness disappeared.actually,the reason i was unhappy had got nothing to do with muddy.it's jus that we have diff comms in the plt,and it made me feel very isolated.so i have decided to help with others if they let me/i can.problem solved.vice versa,i'll be screaming for help too,if the 3 of us cant manage.

i just hope that my other pltmates wun resent muddy too much by seeing the rationale behind all this.

sighs.among the plt,there's also the hard and soft approaches.also learning how to strike out the balance.jus want all of us to have fun doing this.i mean it.we're taking over the company bit by bit and we do need each other for support.plt cant afford to break apart now.


|jav| 8:56 AM|

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my head is so throbbing.not enough slp,not enough love,too much stress and work;which of it i dont know.

tomorrow's our first trg with the company.our first ord trg without the presence of sec4s.gosh im scared shitless.i dont mean to sound loserish,but im quite scared of part as after today.ya know,carmen and i were talking to them,they jus stared back blankly like they've never seen us before.[which,by the way,can be freaky.like,11 pairs of eyes to 2 pple.]and after all the stories abt them.okok,shudden let my pre-perceptions of them cloud what they really are tomorrow.and yes,like what carmen and muddy said,we have to act like seniors![see act.]honestly,i feel that im never going to be that kind of senior who scolds and raves.im just not that.and currently,i dun feel oh so senior-ish.

damn.wonder if sec4s had felt these last minute jitters last yr.

i miss sec4s.i miss them so much.time is [blatantly] speeding past and i cant seem to get enough of them.sound like a pyscho sia.my eyes get teary everytime i hear,see something,no matter how vague,relating to ord,to pple u love the most leaving you.i have to give them credit,a huge one at that,for mounding us this year,to pull us back together again and make us believe that we do have the capability to make rgsncc proud in specs.that,i believe,is the greatest gift they gave us.i love ssg xueying's crappiness,1sg vanessa's beautiful smile,encik's motherly ways,1sg hanna being mad and hyper and 1sg elizabeth's patience.i can go down listing and listing all the things i'll remember[and love] of them,but i suppose all that matters is that they're all in my head.they're all so uniquely special,and i know that neither of us are ever going to forget them.

is it still love when u love someone so much that it hurts?


|jav| 8:31 AM|

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23/06/04
it's ironic how much damage freedom can do to you.perhaps for the disciplined,freedom is welcomed like a breath of fresh air [sheesh].but it's driving me nuts.to the wall.i seem to have lost my senses.being numb.i hate it.i hate having time at hand,doing whatever i want with it.cos at the end of the day,i wudden have done anything abt it.period.dont want to find lame excuses for my slacking arnd whole day,but seriously,it is turning malignant.hate feeling numb.feeling void.feeling empty.

i know i would give myself a hard kick[later] for not turning up for today's lunch with sec4s.i told carmen that i have homework,but deep down i know that that wasnt the main reason i chose not to go.i just din feel like it.irony again,since i was the one who wanted to have lunch with sec4s after missing that unoffi trg when sec4s went thru mutuals with my pltmates.there isnt much time left.till they rod and [quoting from noisan] 'become civilians'.im really sry abt it..i meant,i cant stand this heck-care attitude of mine.someone pls realise this abt me and gimme a hard kick.or shake me really hard.

damn i hate feeling like this.i want to feel alive again.
i feel as if im staying in a glass bubble.underline 'staying'.
i feel like a true loser.




|jav| 5:22 AM|

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22/06/04
reread some of my old entries.realised half the time of my life is spent being sick or with sprained/swollen ankles.sad.

i need fresh air.air which doesnt remind me that rod is coming,together with all the preparations.i need to have some time to myself,for another life without platoonmates,without juniors or seniors,a life completely unrelated to ncc whatsoever.the actual thing has not started yet,but i feel so..suffocated.so damn claustrophobic.

grr.constantly reminding myself what im doing all this for.


|jav| 2:51 PM|

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15/06/04
7 days and 7 nights of thunder
water's rising and im slipping under
i tink ive fallen in love
with the world 8th wonder..

gosh im bored.im downright bored.and if im going to listen to another gross remixed song on the radio,im going mad.like the one im listening to now.this is so freaking frustrated.can life get even worse?i feel so trapped.after 4 days in specs with nothing but sun,sky and outdoors,this is suicidal.

ning and van are leaving for camp tonite.tomolo going ohpir.so worried for them.i spent my first 10 min after waking up calling van[i jumped out of bed and suddenly remembered.] and reminding her to bring all the stuff.i hope they will have the same type of fun and memories which lemin,shmote and i collected from that trip.our first mountain climbed.at 15.wih pltmates.hehs.

all those precious intangible memories.
ming would always remind me of this incident and that,then i'll squeal and add on.lemin will soon join the two of us and all of us will end with a sigh and perhaps,'i wanna go ophir again..'

ok back to boredom.gosh.i jus wanna die now.


|jav| 3:26 PM|

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14/06/04
hey bloggie!

ok that exclamation sign is too freakin irritating.waay too sunny.
im so sick of moping arnd at home.carn go anywhere and currently staying as far from homework as possible.tho have to face it tonite.ughs.wanna watch harry potter and do the other gazillion stuff normal 15 yr-old girls do during june hols.i mean,it's june hols.the weather is great at this time of the yr with the sun and all and im AT HOME.*wails.*even sis is out.

im so going to break free on wed.sis already promised me she's going to watch harry potter w me again on wed[she's out to watch h.p today.]making my escape plans now.

im pathetic.lets see.first week of hols is spent worrying sick for specs,prep like mutuals.then fell sick on that very weekend.whole of second week was at camp,doing stuff which norm pple dun do,things which i might find unbelievable yrs down the road.tenderly caring for my majorly screwed ankles,missing pltmates and sec4s like mad over the weekends.

budden again,i think that's what my pltmates are doing too. grins*

i love them so much.hahaha.like they're the only pple in the whole wide world who understand and know firsthand of what im going thru.and that makes the shit we went thru a lot easier to bear.at least you can find pple to relate to.

even the injuries.i can name at least six pple[including me] who have some form of injuries or another.
sher-ankle which can hurt v badly and wakes her up in the middle of the night
carmen-bad back
ning-there was once when she had v bad knees
lulu-growth sprout:painful knees
nad-like me,weak ankles
me-what more can i say.ankles.have 3 ankle supports.

i wonder how are sec4s now.must be mugging damn hard for mocks;catch up for time lost at specs.knowing them,i know they can make it:D

miss them and love them..


|jav| 5:38 PM|

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hey bloggie!

ARGH...we survived SPEC COURSE!!!the going's been tough but i know we all did our best and chionged our guts out.i dunno if sec4s are ok w our performance since they haven scolded/talked to us abt the whole course yet..none of us got plt best or ooc due to some unforseen circumstances.nono.how abt forseen circumstance since the pple up there is biased,prejudiced against rgsncc?i can go on and on for the whole day but i shan.i wun.

f them anyway.an ooc who din do anything but hide in some corner.then why do we chionged so hard,volunteer for i/c or wdv crap so hard for?to let some undeserving bitch get ooc?i DUN wonder.

i rest my case.[and im still hopping pissed.]

i love sec4s so so so so so so much.i love them so so so so much.they were great,caring and protective of us.they were there to tell us not to be too disappointed that none of us got plt best or ooc since these things happened to them before.sec4s took care of me the day when i sprained my ankle.gosh im so grateful for their presence in specs,for being there when they dun have to.

words are not enuff to express our gratitude.our love and the many many many unspoken thanks.

anw,the sense of satisfaction is jus great when we stepped out of camp on thurs.as specs.[erm.the 2sg rank we wear but we decided that since sec4s haven promoted us,then it's still cpl.]

oh yah btw,i sprained my other ankle on fri when we were on the way to camp.so mulu ok.we were walking then suddenly,OUCH.

i officially have two sprained ankles.


[abt 15 min later]
sniff*carmen and i are chatting abt sec4s now.sniff*
dun want them to ever leave us.




|jav| 2:43 PM|

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04/06/04
hey bloggie..

I AM SICK.as in ill.as in head throbbing,leaky nose and croaky voice.
cudden crawl out of bed this morning for trg.sec4s going thru mutuals with us and i am NOT there right now.dead.i hope nothing is seriously wrong with my mutuals;sure dun want to know on specs course itself.

+ it's the LAST time we see them,our last trg w them as cadets.......

jus came back from clinic.
lesson no 1:do not place ur glass of water between the spoon brimming full of cough syrup and ur mouth.
reason:ur hands do get shakey and u'll end up with pink coloured drinking water.which is not gross.NOT.+ are u sure u want to wash down the icky sicky sweet [gosh i hate sweet medicine.i mean,it's an oxymoron jus saying 'sweet medicine'.whoever came up w that shud be shot.bang.]cough syrup with a slighty less concentrated cough syrup w water?

oh yah and i broke my record.swallowed 2 capsules in one gulp.:P

anw,hope my body clears up before tue.pls pls pls..
btw,go read abt the immune system.pretty funky stuff..




|jav| 7:42 PM|

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01/06/04
hey bloggie--

staring at the oven-toasted pizza that is lying blinking back at me.i blink back at it.gosh-who eats that stuff.cough cough*
i know,i know,it has to end up in my digestive system somehow or another.*shudders

specs course in 5 days time.state of mind:rather calm to the point of not caring.state of mutuals:dying,haven started.i figured the later i start,the later i need to face the fact that specs course really is coming.KIDDING![muds will kill me if she sees this:P]
i decided long ago that specs course cant be that hard.[dun make me take back my words]i jus hope the relationship between sec4s and us wudden undergo any change.it's like, i had a shock when i heard staff saying that after we completed our specs,it will feel as if we're not their part cs anymore..freaks* how can....*pouts*

rod preparation starting..thank god ive got pmates like mud and ning-ning came out with a proposal and arranged jobs for all of us.[im presents i/c.help.]if we still have our sanity kept intact after specs,everything shud turn out fine.prediction:me sleeping with cloth and thread and hopefully,not on needles.

the pizza is still grinning at me.


|jav| 8:59 PM|

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