08/05/04
im so bored.so bored so bored so bored.today din have trg but my pmates had an unoffi one.din go cos ankle is still swollen.but it's getting better:Panw,so i was saying im so bored.miss my sat afternnon routine-lunch after a tiring trg then home to bed.but obviously since i haven been working out,im not sleepy.sleeping kills time ya know.not in the mood to start hw.have absolutely nothing to do now.sis away to sports day.and i jus did one of those puzzles where u circle the words from this jumble of alphabets.haven done those for a long time.dug it out from my cupboard.

ok shall stop monologue-ing.going to the library..


|jav| 2:27 PM|

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07/05/04
refering to previous entry
ok pple dun get shocked and scared when u read it cos i wasnt in a sound state of mind when i wrote it.low glycaemic load in my blood at that time,was at the point of breaking down due to sheer exhaustion so things got much much intensified.i became so much more sensative and much much much grouchier and irritable.take my words with a pinch of salt.[ok two bags of salt considering how many times 'fuck' was mentioned.]=P i will try to control my feelings before i get too emotional and washed away with irrational thinking in future.but anyhow,i hate being ignored ok.grouchy or not,i still hate being alone and ignored.u get that clear.

anw,i jus thought i shud dedicated one entry for mock specs.well not exactly the sequence of events cos i cant remember.jus abt how we felt through out the camp.firstly, i can tell u that the camp has help us a lot.in many many wonderful and amazing ways-it kinda brought carmen back to be more enthusiastic for nc again and it rekindled what we felt for nc in part a yr which, sadly, died mysteriously along the course.the love we feel for sec4s now[ok guys,it's gonna be mushy from now on but i dun care:P] is so strong..gosh i love sec4s to death mann.they were so patient with us during mock specs; we were least scolded not becos we were the best platoon through out the camp but becos sec4s din want to and kept giving us chances.somehow their words finally got into us and we made a platoon promise [on my birthday when the clock was 12.30am 1 may:)]that from that day onwards,the only direction we're going is up.up and up and up.:)to me, it was the most beautiful present anyone cud have given me,because sec4s gave us very clear messages that we have the potential to be better and we digested the message.sec4s told us,they din shout that into us which otherwise wun not have worked on us.at all.we got the message and hope and tadah-we did it.it is the most memorable birthday i think i would ever have.[that not including my first birthday spent with my boyfriend-better be romantic,first birthday spent with husband and perhaps a birthday spent in somewhere exotic-maybe in the mountains?]

yups.getting wayy late and i tink im going to fall asleep on the keyboard soon..

oh yah cheers to trina and em..i love u guys so much..we finally pia-ed the proposal and managed to submit it on time..love u guys lots and lots and cant wait to start working on the project:P

1.03am 8may04




|jav| 9:46 AM|

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05/05/04
i hate what is becoming of me.fuck the whole wide world.fuck the sweet smelling flowers, the trees and all the people living on earth.fuck all who is not helping to make my life better, for being so self-centered or self-conscious.fuck u all for being so 'princess-y', for thinking you're the only one being tired and crumbling. fuck u all who think that u are allowed to stop just because u're tired or hurting,cos i cant find the reason or justification to stop because im hurting and tired and crumbling too so why shud you.fuck all who ignore me and leave me behind.fuck u all who are insensative with your words or thinking you're smart just because you seem to know everything.fuck u all who dare to think that pumping 3000 is easy cos my juniors are planning to pump more.fuck u double for thinking that esp when u are the one who cant even do 10.fuck u all for thinking that jav is going thru a bad phrase, for taking my words literally when i said im tired, when i meant i need sympathy and love to help me get thru all this.fuck u all for ignoring me.fuck u all for not being tinest concerned, for moving away in case i blow or lose temper,when i am the one who tries to be there when you're tired or unhappy.fuck me for wasting all my efforts to be a friend.fuck me for letting all this tears stream down my eyes now.fuck me for needing people.

i wanna give up now.i wanna stop and recover cos i cant seem to find strength in anyone,encouragement from anybody at all to carry on.im tired.really tired and crumbling.




|jav| 5:16 AM|

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