29/04/04
im not the kind of person who sees and categorises moods and feelings into colours.nor am i the kind who is especially sensative to tones and shades.but somehow, whenever i see grey clouds, i got reminded of my [old and rotting] pastel set.there's the light grey with white-ish tone,medium grey then grey close to black.i would mentally point out the parts of sky with the above shades of grey..hmm.why grey.
oh wells, that was what i was thinking while staring out in the sky with my foot turning pink in a basin of hot medicine at the doc's.yups,had to soak the swollen ankle in this hot hot basin and foot turn into a rather unnatural shade of pink.after some time of soaking,the real action sets in.went into another room and was told to lie flat on my tummy.then this doc came and pulled.haha..sounds scary eh--din hurt tho..ankle felt 'loosen' and less tense.then got another female doc to wrap my ankle up..
sighs.my third visit for sprain ankles.[nope,i dun have 3 ankles.i sprain my left one twice.duuh.]
mock specs tomorrow.wish me luck.gonna bind my ankle and chiong.
|jav| 8:16 AM|
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28/04/04
hey bloggie..
semi-conscious now that it's getting late..
crap larh i sprained my ankle.quite confirm that this time, i have sprain it not strain it cos the pain is worse. have a swell the size of a squashed prune.[imagine squishing a prune to ur ankle.yah.tho i dunno why u need to actually squash that on ur ankle.but yah.imagine..i am so not making any sense.]im gonna need all all willpower i can gather to will it to heal in time for mock specs.gosh.i can barely walk now, u're actually killing me if u want me to run up and down 4 flights of stairs larh.ming also injured her foot.
ok really need sleep now..update later :P
|jav| 10:55 AM|
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21/04/04
hey bloggie![yes im currently quite happy :D]
jus got back to sch,decided to fly here and post a blog entry before anything else.
updates:
sara got a zhao butch haircut[spikey;)],she looks waay funky with it.she's bringing me to get my hair cut like hers next week.yah, before
before mock specs. then jan is cutting hers.haha..av,you're the odd one out..:P
which brings to the next point.
MOCK SPECS.walau.im so so unprepared.carmen wun be going i tink,and im worried for her.like,can she still survive the actual specs course.anw,i feel as if i need more trgs to revise all the ifc stuff.gone with the days when i can easily[ok,not very easily] do 150 push ups at one go.need my [extreme] fitness back.dun think i can run up 4 stories, change to no4, run down in 5 min.mebbe i shud start with running up and down the stairs.first.
oh yah,i tink noisan is the only one who reads my blog in the pltoon.yah then after reading a sad entry,she'll start a conversation with,'java..'then i'll be like, 'yesh,is there a problem?'..anyway,noisan,this is for you if u happen to read it..
sorry i haven been there in the mornings like i used to be.i dunno what is happening,but it sure ain becos i decided to ditch u guys for my classmates.i hate to be alone in the morning,waiting for u guys..then wondering if u'll all come down while trying to divert my eyes away from partas and their noise.[yah,they remind me of us so much..]i hate the feeling of being left alone,deserted.then for recess,i din join u guys becos i have waited too long,sat at territory alone too many times,same things going thru my head,'are u guys coming down?'
and also becos of the classic reason-bz,too many tests this week..
|jav| 2:43 PM|
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11/04/04
purest of pain
I'm sorry I didn't mean to call
but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it
and so I surrender just to hear your voice
I know how many times I said I'm gonna to live with out you
and maybe someone else is standing there beside you
but there's something baby that you need to know
that deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.
Vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that I need to live
the air that I breathe
carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my days are so cold and lonely
and each night I taste
the purest of pain.
I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better every day
that it didn't hurt me when you walked away
but to tell you the truth I can't find my way
and deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.
Vida, give me back...
know i shudden blog so much;in the middle of bio newsletter.call me sadistic,my heart actually breaks into tiny pieces when i listen to it,but i love this song.
|jav| 8:12 AM|
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tribute to my sandals.
my good ol' pair of well-worn sandals which have survived me thru my first nc chalet,the second one,class chalet and mt ophir trip.i was supposed to bring it during obs but i left it in sch to lighten my load.and got blisters in the end.others might look at it and say they're just old sandals but it brings memories for me..the long walks home after tuition,the stream water which it was submerged when i was bathing during ophir and salt water when all of us were in the sea with ex sec4s last yr during chalet.it was with me when i showered in the next cubicle from mich neo during class chalet and the lights and water suddenly went out cos the security apparently thot that there was noone in the showers.im now extra cautious now when showering in public/unfamilar showers and can scream when lights suddenly go out.im not afraid of darkness,jus sudden darkness.it was with me too when i showered in a public toilet at the foot of ophir,cobwebs in the cellling and bugs crawling all over the walls.
sighs.
have u ever got a weird feeling from inside when u think of pple who merely pass by in ur life?for me,they're pple like selamat,my obs instructor, and a certain mr ranger whom we nv got the name of.i wonder how they are now.one thing i know tho, i will never be able to forget them and that their faces will pop out in my head at the most unexpected times along with clips of the wonderful experiences.
|jav| 8:00 AM|
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hey bloggie
haha..tink i shall start my happier entries with 'hey bloggie' in future.it's been raining and raining for the past 2 days;gloomy weather..but somehow,for the first time,im not quite affected by the rain:)
went back for [extra!] trg on sat.ran 3 rounds on track then all of us did c and c.nad did it for the first time.then i did the stupidest thing ever in my whole entire life.i waved at partbs.oh man..i swear it was an accident.ok so i wasnt wearing my glasses when partbs ran past us outside sch.[wells,i thot they were the bballers.]they greeted at the same time my bloody hand shot up and my bloody mouth shouted a 'hello'.i so want to die then.ok,now still.anw,i felt so stupid and worried.after that when we decided that c and c is enuff for the day,my pltmates called sg xueying while i was showering.muds said she was smiling when she said 'ok nvm..'
ughs.
haha..im still happy larhs.i felt very grateful during lunch when nad mentioned that she's getting broke from hanging out too much with us lately..had that warm feeling in my tummy and wanted to hug her then.nad is finally with us.oh yah and she said it wasn that bad..:D
ya noe,i figured out that when u dun worry so much and take things less intense,things might actually turn out the way you want them to.like on sat,i enjoyed myself being with my pltmates.relaxed and contented.it's like,i can be a pretty serious and focused person when i want to,but sometimes,i have to relax a bit and give some leeway to rubbish and digressions..can i then be happier..well ming was quite tired looking,din hear much of her voice..mus be the sun.
sighs.despite all that,mock specs is inching by..
ok anw,when i got home,mei was preparing to go out to buy jeans for her np dinner.[heard that they are having it at fullerton.yah right.do u actually get that rich by lion dancing during chi new yr?mebbe we shud try.our plt fund is non-existant.seeing muds wearing a skirt to dine at fullerton will be nice for our funny bones.-grins-]i tagged along and met her friend at her sch.then we took bus to queensway complex to search for a jean size small enuff to fit both of them.erm,yah,hard to believe,mei's friend is smaller then her.noisan would say she cud leave jie bin using one finger.amazingly,we found 2 pairs which can fit on the tiny waists of mei and jie bin.hahaha..then we walked to ikea to look around.saw baskets selling at 1.90 each so bought 5 of them as easter presents for sec4s.ikea is interesting,shud go there next time wid pltmates.many ideas for rod presents.plus they are having discount now.[have i mentioned that muds is having a tight control on our purse strings?yes.i prolly will get killed by her for buying those baskets cos as far as i remember,we dun have a buget for easter.]
but guess what.due to my plain stupidity[once again] and carelessness,mum found that the baskets i bought were different.gosh,i almost had an heart attack when she showed me that i bought 3 with holes and 2 without.had to go out and buy 2 more with holes today...
ok i know that to many others,holes,no holes,what's the difference anyway?but yes.there IS a difference.
took another 45 min bus ride to ikea,bought 2 more baskets then another 45 min back home.i hate myself.X|
haha.that would be my weekend..
|jav| 7:06 AM|
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09/04/04
sports fest yesterday,hadley won:)did guard duty for the first time and it was waay boring.[crap some irritating sec3s ran away when i fruitlessly run after them.so pissed off ok.and like,talk abt being maluated.fm saw me in no4.i so dowan to go tuition again.but wdv.im proud of nc.:P]part bs were quite nice.but tink we broke gg.[er yah.this part b actually talked to me.and robbos talked to them a bit.then felt a lil guilty for making them guard while some of us sneak off to watch the cheerleaders dance.eh,some of us still stayed ok.hehs.]cd after that.among other sec4s,only sg vanessa turned up.skit was embarrassing.talked to sg,she gave us advice.thot there and then that i will die after they leave.felt so helpless.exsec4s came back.was so tired and crumbly that i shut off when exsec4s were talking to us.all of us were sitting there smiling like assholes,ok,dun be so vulgar,idiots.sher got quite upset cos she was the only one who had been trying to keep the conversation going.
was so drained after that.reached home arnd 10.30pm and slept 12 hrs straight.dad asked if i had took sleeping pills this morning.haha.sheer exhaustion.
so many things going thru my mind right now.
like what sher had said,how come it can seem that we dun have any platoon problems to sec4s when it's all swept under the carpet?for example,carn they really tell that something is going seriously wrong when lesser and lesser people turns up in the morning?the platoon is crumbling,bit by bit.from the beginning,we never really had the glue factor which sticks us together.from the start,it all jus had been laughing at nothing at all,going lunch after school.as time passes,all of us,at some point of time,realise that this relationship hadnt been built on anything at all.jus a bunch of pple laughing and having fun.
i can tell you honestly now that my platoonmates can be pple who dun give shit abt other pple's feelings.they simply dun care,dun consider others might be hurting should they do or say something.and they can be selfish and awfully hurting and blunt and self centered.it's like,i dun care,they can die.
seriously, im fucking tired of all this shit.i dun have the strength to carry on anymore.but i am worried.my platoonmates are worried.worry abt being responsible for pulling down the company's standard.like how are we suppose to support each other later,to absorb the emotional pain and stress we might suffer once we take over,when we dun shit abt each other now?how are we going to stay strong to maintain the standard if we dun give shit abt each other?
|jav| 5:55 AM|
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06/04/04
my biological clock has broken down..slept in the afternoon till 10 so here am i in the living room where it's really quiet[well,not exactly,the insects are chirping]..
sharks.i sleep in the day and work at night..in the middle of a shuo ming wen abt obs..so crap,almost translated all i read from the official obs website from eng to chi.shuo ming wen is that boring anw.
jus love this time of the day[or night rather.]it's so slient, i can finally hear myself think.in the day it's usual the noisy mix of tv,vehicles,my family members walking abt in the hse.distractions..now,it's jus me here typing..ok,the electricity bill is going to pile.so i have decided to go back to the norm way of living before next week.yups.and i kinda miss talking with mei:)
ok gonna continue with work~
2.26am 07/04/2004
|jav| 11:21 AM|
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03/04/04
have u ever felt as if the weight of the world is on ur shouders?
have u ever felt as if a hand has reached in and squeezed ur heart,making u breathless?
have u ever felt pain so bad that every ounce of ur being hurts physically?
have u ever felt the need to cling onto someone so tightly, knowing that u dun have the strength to be on ur own?
have u wondered how something seemingly harmless to others is a crucial fact to you?
4 months are all we've left.to rod,to taking over the company,becoming ncos,being the pple who the rest are looking up to.
feel like dying now.nono.being dead.
|jav| 11:06 PM|
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