31/03/04
haven been here for ages :P

anw,jus wanted to post smtg i wrote quite some time ago.finally dug it out from my folder..

The pact

I know time has the ability to dilute feelings
But I never knew what we have between us
Can’t go thru that trial
Didn’t we make a pact
To stay together and hold thru to the end?

There had been some frustration I suppose
More frowns, silence and stoned faces than laughter
You couldn’t find the strength and rigor to be there, patiently smiling
Didn’t we make a pact
To stay together and hold thru to the end?

You left without a backward glance or regret
Arms linked with new people, heading for a new life
Up that so-called social ladder
Facing those worshipping faces- finally in the limelight
I suppose that was what u wanted all these while yet never got
You have to understand that you’re just as important as the rest
Didn’t we make a pact
To stay together and hold thru to the end?

One thing you gotta understand
Either you’re in or out
I can’t be forever standing here waiting
To be that safety net when things don’t work out in the end
That shoulder to bury your face into only when dark clouds are coming
I knew I never had the right to force you back
But,
Didn’t we make a pact
To stay together and hold thru to the end?

written on 25jan04

well it's quite obvious who i wrote the poem for,but subsequently i found out that some parts of 'the pact ' hadn't been true.it had been us.all the same,we lost her..

it's weird being wid the platoon lately.i feel so..detached.like, it's been a joke from the start,that im kidding myself when im with them.everything seem so superficial..the harder i try to turn back time and grasp those happier memories,the further these memories slip away.[point to ponder:will that mean those 'happier memories' are superficial too?]

i know im going thru this phrase,know that i haven been there or exactly kind to pmates who share their problems with me.somehow i cant find it in me to care anymore.
or to backtrack a lil more,i was disappointed with what happened in ophir..it throws this whole pltoon thing into perspective..that my pmates dun need me as much as i thot they do..and that my caring for them is redundent..[is it true?]

wdv hell it is,i want my feelings back.hate feeling numb.




|jav| 12:44 AM|

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24/03/04
sorry peeps.decided to write the whole reflections thingie on paper.abt ophir.here too open yah.

turning delirious.nothing seem to be real anymore.i miss hanging out with people.crave being near my pltmates and classmates.people.i shall say it,im not depressed,im jus down and the feeling of being alone is coming up far too frequent.i hate being alone.for long.a lil desperate for human company.yes,desperate.

cant stand this feeling.becoming numb,fast.somebody save me before i lose myself to life again.

pls.


|jav| 1:25 AM|

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20/03/04
hey bloggie!!

back from ophir.[tho my mind is still at ophir..]so many things happened and trust me,it's kinda scary looking at this box which says 'post' at the top and try to type the whole experience out..

day 1[more like night]

met up at khatib mrt station arnd 7.left house wid mama and took a taxi to the mrt station tho mama said we were quite dumb as we'll have to travel back to get to camp.finally saw ming and lemin after waiting for 10 min.lost my nerve a bit and sms-ed vans.had her blessings[more like whacks on the head]along wid muddy's.[sweet gurl..muds called me after she reached home from ake..had sounded v tired..]chattered excitedly in lemin's brother-in-law's car.lemin remembered abt the stupid t-shirt design[god bless her] and showed it to us..quite nice:)shawna wrote a letter to us.was so touched that i felt like crying.[haha.ok.so we got a lil emotional.esp after all those stories abt pple getting possessed and strange noises at 7pm..which we heard.X|]reached camp arnd 7.30 and did mass calling.the urge,the need to listen for our pltmates voice was so strong.stood outside camp and tried to contain ourselves.practically shrieking into the phone but yah,we were outside camp.had to tiam tiam a bit.

*to be continued*




|jav| 9:41 AM|

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hey bloggie!!

back from ophir..so many things happened and trust me,it's kinda scary looking at this box which says 'post' at the top and try to type the whole experience out..
many things-physically and mentally..the latter perhaps i shudden touch on so much,might hurt/shock pltmates who were wid me,pltmates who werent wid me,seniors,juniors..blah blah blah..[dun worry,it's not that serious.those thoughts were jus afterthoughts which i had pondered upon after the whole trip..]

day 1[more like night]

met up at khatib mrt station arnd 7.left house wid mama and took a taxi to the mrt station tho mama said we were quite dumb as we'll have to travel back to get to camp.finally saw ming and lemin after waiting for 10 min.lost my nerve a bit and sms-ed vans.had her blessings[more like whacks on the head]along wid muddy's..[sweet gurl..muds called me after she reached home from ake..had sounded v tired..]chattered excitedly in lemin's brother-in-law's car..lemin remembered abt the stupid t-shirt design[god bless her] and showed it to us..quite nice:)shawna wrote a letter to us..was so touched that i felt like crying...[haha.ok.so we got a lil emotional.esp after all those stories abt pple getting possessed and strange noises at 7pm..which we heard.X|]reached camp arnd 7.30 and did mass calling..the urge,the need to listen for our pltmates voice was so strong..stood outside camp and tried to contain ourselves..practically shrieking into the phone but yah,we were outside camp.had to tiam tiam a bit.

*to be continued*




|jav| 5:15 AM|

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14/03/04
hey bloggie

freaking out now..last entry before setting out..
pray nothing happens to any of us,
that the weather is coorperative
that we wun see any 'things'

till then..
14/3/2004 |5.28pm [mt ophir 2004]


|jav| 1:27 AM|

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10/03/04
this week's been horrible..
sorry av and sara for being a grouch.a major grouch at that..

cant seem to help how i feel-miserable.miss hanging out with pltmates..they've been bz with tests so even tho im completely free,in a way,still tied down..going home early,straight after sch everyday..this sucks man.damn.thought cud go out to relax after tue[bio]..but..shit larhs.so irritatingly fustrating.
what to do?have to patiently wait till fri.
feel so pathetic.din help at all when av said to make my life more bz.ugh.thanks arh.cud almost bite her head off,that remark had seem cutting at that time.but what she said is true.either make my life so packed that i dun have time to feel bored or have friends who i hang out with.friends who are less bz that is.

losing my temper faster than you can said 'jav is a bitch'.so used to hanging out so much,breathe a lil more than straight home after sch.and it's not like i have anything to do at home.

i hate feeling coop up at home.i hate the same tiny space.feel claustrophobic.i hate it.

dammit.
and i know it's not like my pltmates are abandoning me.thay're bz and stressed liaos.dun want to add to that pile but i really cant help how im feeling.suffering serious case of platoonmates-itis.

din help when mei is away at sch camp.having the time of her life.kinda miss her already.missed bumping her as we pass each other in the house.miss the radio blaring chi music.

how perfectly shitty.wanna get out of this friggin grouchy mood already.


|jav| 7:15 AM|

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08/03/04
have u ever felt that your life is not worth living for?i dun mean life generally,it's great to be alive and breathing,a quote i once read,"every single breathing moment of a man signifies the willingness to try to survive and give chance to victory in a constant battle of life"..what i meant was,living your life..

felt really stupid,really lame, really useless suddenly when i was eating in front of the com while reading abt prokaryotes.i was like,do i really want my life to turn out this way?chionging for tests, mugging homework and constantly getting stressed over school.then in a blink of an eye,i'll be working,slogging my guts out for the sake of some dignity and survival in this society.then soon,i'll probably have children and grandchildren,then finally die.in that fleeting moment,jus when im at the gates of heaven[or hell],and my whole life flashes past,what will i see?

will i have sweet memories of things i have done,the mountains i had endured-huffed and puffed to get up and that superb sense of satisfaction?or the monotone of life?


|jav| 8:52 AM|

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ok lemme get this right

prokaryotes:absense of membrane bound structure
archaea
eubacteria

eukaryotes:single cellular or multi-cellular with defined nuclei
anmalia
plantae
fungi
protista

archaea,eubacteria and eukaryotes can be classified into 3 domains by morphology or ribosomal RNA
eukaryotes can be further classified according to 7 levels-kingdom,plylum/division,class,order,family,genus and specie



|jav| 8:33 AM|

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06/03/04
today is founder's day.the performance was ok[dun mean to sound unappreciative..those dudes put in a hell of an effort],the president came and the skool was like,damn guai.no whispers during the talks[active listening],songs sung with gusto.basically,behavior was superb.sec4s look damn sharp in no.1.all of them.zai.

went for eng test after that,[still feeling guilty for not taking my test yesterday,hadnt told chow-tan that i had to leave earlier for imt.yeah baby-16/20 for imt.got 10 last time.ning that zai kai got 20.gosh.what is she made of?]then met up with pltmates..ate,split up then met again in a...library.[huh.]haha..then followed lemin and shawna to cine,watched 'in america' with brenda and bei fen.brenda had free tix.the movie was so-so but there were a few touching parts.shudden name the movie 'in america' tho..mebbe something like 'saying goodbye'

basically,the movie was abt this irish family moving to manhatten.the family had lost frankie,the son..despite the sorrow,they found a friend in matheo,a black artist,when ariel and christie tricked or treated for the first time in their lives on halloween.matheo became a very close family friend but died of a unknown disaster in the end...climax of the story was when a new baby came along..it was a prematured baby and the parent were so afraid of losing her like how they lost frankie.in the end the lil baby girl lived and was named after metheo,who had taught them not to lose faith and continue loving.yups.touching part was when christie[the elder daughter]made her dad say goodbye to frankie..

ok so that wasnt a good synopsis but wdv.

yah i wanna watch big fish too.

really scared now..ophir in a week's time.gonna go work out or smtg.


|jav| 4:31 AM|

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04/03/04
dunno what's going on with me.
i feel so tired.so so tired.feel like sleeping forever and forever and never wake up.that tired.
somehow along the way,with all the tests and stress,being in a plt is becoming a burden.a huge one im lugging around.and im not a fun person to be arnd anymore.they are becoming strangers to me.

need to vent kaes.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

fuck them all who choose to leave us.fuck her for thinking we dun care,when she's the one who shut me out of her life when i asked.i fucking tried.fuck her for thinking she can jus fucking leave without saying goodbye,for fucking say that we're jus not her type of friends,that there will always be a gap between us.fuck her for putting all the blame for the pple she got mad/irritated with,for always thinking she's right.
fuck them who in their selfishness,choose to leave and leave us behind.fuck them for not caring what we'd feel,fuck them for not staying to at least give it another shot.fuck them for thinking that they are the most miserable pple in the whole fucking world,that the rest[the remaining few]dun have any fucking problems.fuck them for leaving for a more fucking nice place,where love is more fucking available.why carn they fucking understand in order to be loved,you have to love first?fuck them for shutting up,for thinking that enuff is enuff and i shall jus fucking take my leave.fuck them who refuse to talk problems out,to fucking clear the air before everything gets fucking huge and buried.
fuck us to allow all these fucking shit to happen.

i feel so fucking suffocating and fucking misunderstood and fucking wronged.
it so fucking hurts.so fucking betrayed.
heart to heart we'll fucking prevail?
yah fucking right.

fucking right.lulled into a fucking dream and guess what?a huge fucking reality check come and everything fucking crashes.

fuck.

quiz of the day:count the no of fuck-s mentioned.


|jav| 9:16 AM|

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03/03/04
hey bloggie

came back from ophir trg yesterday,then zone out time till 12+.showered then back to bed.
chi test is over!![weally wide grins.]did ok at least im quite assured that i wun get some ridiculous score[30+].chem test came and went,was cramming this morning..it was ok larhs.
carn seen to relax.feeling so tensed up,mind keep churning out-what to do next?what to study for?
body aching all over.shit.i really neeeeeed to stop stressing...mind overworking..
need someone to talk to too.realized that after all those days away from meeting pltmates in the morning[studying liek mad in class],i kinda cant connect to them much now.

ironic how suffocating i feel despite the [near]ending of tests.


|jav| 2:15 PM|

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01/03/04
break time!!!!
-guilty-shudden be here at all since it's gonna be a killer week.study.chi.ughs.
i dun care.i dun care...im taking a break and that's my right.hmph.
gosh im sounding like van soon.
*covers ears with hands*brains leakin'

being crappy larhs.was chi all the way from 7 yah.and my attention span is getting shorter and shorter.
*stressed

was checking up the dictionary when i saw my huge name written on it.huge as in visible from 10m away.haha.i used to do it all the time when i was younger.putting my name on everything i like/own.still remember this lil book of nursery rhymes.i wrote my name on it and sis got a lil upset cos we share everything.hahaha...mum looked at it and said i was being selfish..hahahahaha..-grins-

lets see-what can we tell from that behavior?that im possessive?shudden be since i lose things easily.had replaced my ezlink card 3 times.lost my guitar[yah.like gosh i can even lose that thing.].lost my wallet(S)-too many times to keep track.

oh wells.ks gonna go back to more chi.X(
ciao~



|jav| 10:10 AM|

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