24/02/04
im losing grip mann.

world's collapsing.i feel so trapped,so suffocated.all my pltmates wanna be heard,no one is actually listening.i only have a pair of ears,why must i always be the one judging the whole thing?the cool one who calms pple down or shuts pple up when she is interrupting another person?hey hey,i have something to say too yah.

ughs.wanna run away.as far as possible.as fast as possible in the shortest time possible.wanna close my eyes and wish everything away,to at least pretend for a moment that nothing is going so wrong.

i tink im going to luff if this whole incident pops out in my head 10 yrs down the road.pple my age are worrying over studies,bgr problems,identity crisis.me?yah,pltmates.this is ridiculous.

how then again,how can something so ridiculous be so painful?wanna jus forget abt the problems,the shit which we have been burying since sec1,and continue living in this facade.the shit is leaking no doubt,no longer enuff space to cover everything up anymore.but this is getting harder and harder.

i mean like what's the problem larhs.buay song wid each other then say so,why must pretend everything is fine?why put the blame on someone else that she is not listening before reflecting and perhaps realize that hey,i haven been there much for my pltmates as well....

where is the love?
so messy inside,so pretty out there



|jav| 10:33 AM|

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22/02/04
before i start,wanna clarify smtg i mentioned in past entry.that i hate listening to pple confine in me.gave it a second thot and concluded that i wasnt being exactly fair.was being crappy so dun take in account what i said yah.

anyway,told mum that i needed a medical check up to verify that im fit enuff for the trip to ophir.dad brought up that i might need to go for a flu vaccine.got curious suddenly so came online to search for information abt ophir.haha..was quite interesting larhs.at least i know i wun be suffering during those four days..check this out-"crystal clear river water and breathtaking waterfall in tranquil,unspoiled enviornment beckon visitors to this area for a cooling bath or simply a quiet rest..."

yah right.as if im going to strip in front of other schs for a relaxing bath.mind if i bring some bubblebath too?

starting to get the jitters.ohwells.






|jav| 1:21 AM|

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21/02/04
dun mind me.if you're suicidal-prone and jus happen to come across this innocent looking blog,bug off.

how does it feel to be absolutely thoroughly alone?it's hard sometimes,trying to be there patiently listening to someone when your troubles are jus abt enuff to engulf you,or when you're jus plain sick of hearing moans.*i feel so downright despicable and bitchy and selfish.

i always thought it's weird listening to someone's troubles when you're upset.is that suppose to make you feel good or what?by comparing the headaches/heartaches[mentally],does it justify why you're feeling blue and subconsciously make you feel better?like i want the whole world to be sad with me?

now im feeling bad.

i know im lucky to have pple arnd me who listen when i need to vent [or kick tables..hehs.i did that once and made sara jump..sorry gurl..] so i shudden be ungrateful and list out all the reason as to why it's a pain in the ass to unburden someone.-evil grins-

sighs.enuff of that already.im making me sound as if in a chronic-ly depressed anti-social person.honestly,i always feel that i haven been there enuff for pple i love.that includes my classmates and pltmates..i weally weally feel guilty when i chose to ignore the seemingly ok faces than to ask a simple question,"are u ok?need to talk?"

mebbe it's easier that way.to be detached from pple..but ultimately,i doubt i will choose to do that..must make a conscious effort.to be a friend and make life less difficult for pple who mean the world to me..


|jav| 7:10 AM|

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haven been blogging for the past week.oh wells had kinda made a pact to myself to keep most of my thots to myself since someone told me that she was quite upset reading one of my entries.sorry babe..wasnt referring to you when i said that..

today's been a sad day for me.ok it sounds amateur-ish.but that's the simplest way i know to phrase what i was feeling.

please dun tell me it's not worth fighting for

carmen finally told us why she chose to leave.and it hurt knowing the reason.esp the part abt realizing that you've been feeling the same way as well and that what she said is very true.it's wasnt working for the platoon from long long time ago.the laughter which we had,im beginning to suspect,is it real?we've been shelving things,burying them so deep down.words that went unspoken.opportunities sacrificed.is it going to worth it in the end?
i wonder if we had been talking it out,made it a habit since part a year instead of jus being neutral and let things be,would caremen still leave?

isnt it beginning to sound like one of the arguments exexsec4s had warn us abt,the one which they had hoped never happen in the nc rm when we are sec4s?only it turned out milder.pple stopped caring,pack their bags and leave.

if all of us were not in nc,if there were not obstacles and pain which we had to go thru together as a plt,will we still be good friends given the chance to?
i dun think so.

if one major heartbreak is enough to cause pple to doubt if there's any reason to stay commited to nc,i dun really think we'll still be close friends thirty years down the road.

i just felt stabbed.
please dun tell me it's not worth fighting for


|jav| 7:10 AM|

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13/02/04
That thing call love

Two individuals
Living their separate lives in different worlds
He thought nothing of true love
She never believed in relationships

Twist of fate
Drew two souls together
Like an invisible thread
He saw her and thought she had the most beautiful smile
She saw him and wondered if she had been wrong all that while

Cautiously
They walk down the path of love
Looking for signs of any danger
Any obstacles
That will soon make them lose faith
Cowering with fear and pain like a frightened child

Step by step
They soon free themselves
Of a cage made to protect

Surging emotions
Strong declarations of romance
Defined feelings for each other

With air in their hair
Liquid bliss shining through their eyes
Joy hanging onto the corners of their mouths
A touch so precious made of trust
Hearts so full
Hand in hand,
Running down the path of love



|jav| 5:30 PM|

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10/02/04
gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love

how true.let me lament about the fact that i have yet to find that someone special,cliche-ly used as someone who will make the world right,heart-melting,always manage to know how you're feeling,says the right things at the right time so on and so forth as writers since from the past have explored.
boo.

i have never thought myself as the kind of girl who needs a guy to make her life complete or to make it more bearable.nor have i sunk into depths of desperation feeling unloved.the truth is,i am loved.as much as i like complaining,groaning and moaning that my life is so empty and boring,i would still choose to live my life the way im living it now given the choice again.i have my platoonmates around me,giving me the support and strength.i have the confidence that even if they are not there,i have the strength to face the daily struggles of life.[aiyah,dun care jus chiong..-must be the nc influence-]

and for a person like me who dun wish to get marry before 30+ and have the phobia of sharing my life with another,i never really thought of how it is to fall in love..

seeing the halo around robbos,the radiance shining from within her-is love that powerful?i suppose so.answering shers question-i guess bgr at our age cannot be labelled as superficial.we have a real life proof here.i suppose it wun last,i mean,how can u go into a relationship now at 15 and think it will last forever?forever is a long time.bound to have a heartbreak at the end but at least when u truly madly deeply love someone,the feeling deep down there is very real.and that i gess,is the most important part in a relationship.what's the point of loving while fearing the pain of separation?

mebbe it's comforting to know that there's a someone thinking of u every single second of the day.mebbe it's heart warming to receive a sweet msg from that someone when the day sucked/crashed.mebbe it's sweet when that someone says the exact thing you were waiting to hear.mebbe it's reassuring to know that there's a pair of arms holding u should everything go so wrong.mebbe it's jus pure bliss spending time with that someone.

brains got a lil marshmallow-fied with vday coming.[eh heard that many pple are getting depressed/loser-ish spending vday with galfriends or alone..why the sudden urge/need to be in love?]but sure glad i get to spend it with 11 very special pple.why cant i say im in love with my platoonmates?

haha.

do u know how much it would mean to someone else when u say 'i love you'?the weight of these words and the promise it held..


|jav| 11:02 AM|

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haven been using the com for the past few days-crack fingers-
nothing much have been happening arnd,feeling a lil spaced out

kinda miss robbos..hardly see her now.eh robbos,congrats on finding the love of ur life,someone who can reach in and be there for u in a way a friend/platoonmate can never be..sorry we ignore u when u tell us stuff,we jus dunno how to relate..how to respond..still loving you..

oh yah i just remembered.math test sucked big time.it's one of those when ur brain freezes while reading the questions.eyes getting bigger and bigger,throat drier and drier and brain mushier and mushier.like a horror movie.

sure pray i make the mark.



|jav| 5:40 AM|

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06/02/04
trg tomolo.dead.in no4.muds,noisan,nad and carmen going for ake try-outs tomolo.crossing my fingers for them..pray it wun turn out shit and they survive.


|jav| 7:15 AM|

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things haven been going well between avonne and i.
im not mad at her,jus carn find anything to say/tell..i suppose we're that kind of frens who ain suppose to be close..dunno wat happened,mebbe i was too stressed out abt ake and ophir,she happened not to be too understanding at that time,got quite sharp,i jus told myself enough is enough and here is it.avonne is the kind of person who takes a long time to get ur point,sometimes plainly refuse to because she thinks she's right.oh wells.stuborn she once told me..after a while,i realized there's no point anymore in explaining and hoping she'll understand.
i noe i sound as if im putting all the blame on her,the truth is,the two of us simply carn live and make peace.i have a bad temper[i noe it lorhs.],she snaps at everyone arnd her and get 'gek' when she's the one who's stressed[hey at least i dun go arnd biting heads off when im stressed.]and i carn stand that.period.
mebbe it all happened quite some time ago,mountained up and when it got too heavy,collapsed.she can be quite sharp with her words,doesn cut slack.once told her in her face that her words are cutting,but she said she chose them for that very purpose-using them as weapons.im jus so tired of her nonsense,tired of arguing,debating..
i suppose i resent her in some way.the way she's so obsessed abt MY juniors AND seniors.like hey,know where u come from and ur boundary caan.it's getting umcomfortable when she tells us stuff abt them which we dun even noe[not that we're suppose to noe...g rule.]ncc to us is something special,and we're very protective/sensative when it comes to the subject.the very fact that avonne takes pride in invading that privacy shows that she jus dun care what she's doing to us.[i mean,apparently sec4s and partbs dun mind being close to her.]the major major thing im pissed abt when it comes to her is,she likes doing things for the sake of seeing the reaction of others.for fun.[like wat the f*c*ing hell.]eg.wudden it be weird[esp freaky] if she knows what we're doing during trg,what happened,the competitions that are coming up?i mean,u can be there telling her some of the funny things and she'll be like,yah,and something else happened too..

it's metally stressing to be pissed all the time.sara told me that i shd try to let go of that anger,but the fact is,i dun feel anything now.numb.came to a conclusion that when it comes to ncc,i cannot find any way to compromise and it wud be impossible to get her to bug off.piss off and vapourize.no way.

so the result?being apart lorhs.if being together makes 2 pple so unhappy,then what's the point anymore?wun let anyone make my life miserable..

never.even if it means losing a friend.


|jav| 6:02 AM|

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04/02/04
hey bloggie

phew..finally.finally saw the light at the tunnel,become happier and convinced myself that i've been taking things too seriously.
yeah baby.

wanna make this entry light..watching american idol now and been wincing all thru.pple who forgot their lyrics/bad songs/veh lame lyrics/rude pple.

oh wells..valentines is coming soon.spending it wid pmates again this yr i gess..this is tragic.
[somebody save me.....]

before i glue meself back in front of the tv,i'll like to thank ade and chelsea for listening on tue..thanks guys,u really helped..gonna hug u guys real tight tomolo..



|jav| 10:43 AM|

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01/02/04
had flag day yesterday..was suppose to be doing from 12 to 5 wid pltmates but sher,ming and i slacked for the first 4 hrs..oh wells..haha..vans left us half way at lido-wanted to do summore but we were too slack..carmen and muds went to cityhall and met us at lido..noisan and ming played chess aginst muds but sadly tho a caretaker of the movie theater came and helped them,they lost to muds.carmen and i were wincing all the way.shud hav recorded their squeals on a tape-recorder..so wun sound as if they're playing chess.hahaha..oh wells...

will look at the flag day collectors in future under a diff light.will definitely donate from now on.

on a more serious note-we haf to decide the udis soon.by tomolo to be exact.im so afraid.rmbed we toked abt it a lil at bbq last yr..vans saying that unlike most of the other platoons,all of us wud be like,choop[crossing fingers],i dowan to be a udi..
but we gonna decide sooner or later..and ake.annual kayaking expedition.all the horrible horrible trg sessions[according to sec4s,it's tough,worst part being,those pple going haf to camp overnite.is it sucky or is it sucky.] and the expedition itself.*worries*
argh-cant take it anymore.not exactly stressed but jus worried.i dowan it to happen yet.not ready.

went to sara's church yesterday..normally i would feel weird and out of the place in a church[been to av's for a couple of times] but yesterday,at the last part,i prayed.i jus let go of my suspicions and prayed.never believed in god-the best thing to do for urself is to go ahead and do it urself,not by trusting or having faith in someone who might be there or not.but i felt so helpless suddenly,so lost at that time..i prayed.

shud have some faith in my platoonmates.i know it.we can do it togther no matter what.



|jav| 1:34 PM|

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it's getting harder and harder as time passes.growing up i mean.to be able to face issues and problems like an adult.still rmb shouting at mum to treat me like an adult when i was younger but i sure wish time cud turn back now.
when things were easier,black from white with a thick line in between.when there werent things like circumstances and situations.
what shall we do?the very fact that we need to decide our udis soon meant we need to start growing up,stop being the receiving end of instructions.

suddenly feel so opressed,suffocating.

will we make or break.



|jav| 4:36 AM|

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